bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
(Back to the strategy of posting about single, manageable topics. If "tell friends about Readercon!" feels like too much today, I shall instead share a happy discovery.)

I don't know why any of you would remember this, but hey, anyone remember a year ago spring when I admitted to a 24-hour crush on a long-haired actor in a music video*--one with just the right combination of sexy and scary (+ minor chords) to coincide with That Feeling**?

*"I Found" by Amber Run; warning for abduction plotline

**which at this point I should just call "maybe-aura" or something more articulate


Well, last night I was going through some favorited YouTube videos--which I don't remember to do often enough; it was nice--and watched that one some more. It inspired me to try again to find the actor's name. I hadn't had any luck last year, but this time either I did it right or there was new information out there. Lo: His name is Jon Campling.

Screen shot of man with long, gray hair in front of an RV. Image has a Vevo watermark

Knowing a name means being able to check IMDB, which says he's been in a bunch of indie movies and commercials, so there are more things I can check out to enjoy his face. And, hey--turns out I already have, because he was the Christopher Lee-looking Death Eater who stopped the Hogwarts Express train in Deathly Hallows Pt 1! See also this. And I guess Final Fantasy XV players might know him as King Regis?

It also transpires that he's from my extended family's hometown in Hull, England. ♥

Today I learned that he has a Twitter. A quick scroll revealed that a fringe play he's in is coming to NYC in September! So, uh, I'm quite tempted to go see it, since this 24-hour crush doesn't seem to be 24 hours anymore and tickets are all of, appropriately, $24. It doesn't sound like something I'd normally pick out of a lineup, but Campling does play Satan....

NYC friends, does anyone want to see a random off-Broadway play called TRIPPIN on the evening of Saturday 9/9? There's another interesting-looking one that afternoon called MENGELE.
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Hwooof, that was a tough week, but this weekend was the best that's happened in a while, so all's well that ends well, I guess.

(It was just a trough of stress. Political stuff, work stuff, probably body chemistry stuff. I am finally getting started with seeing a therapist and then I missed an appointment because I was so discombobulated I thought it was the next day. I had never missed a doctor's appointment before. I felt so stupid until [personal profile] deelaundry said a kind thing that hadn't occurred to me: When I said, "I look like a flake," she countered with, "You look like someone who needs help." Self-compassion is a thing it would be nice to learn.)

The good stuff:

Socializing: In support of this year's goal to get together more often with friends I like to talk to and/or want to get to know better, a few of us went to a play yesterday and had a satisfying coffee shop chat afterwards, and then I accepted an unexpected invitation to another blossoming friend's low-key Superbowl dinner. All good.

The play was called Trans Scripts, a synthesis/melding of interviews with trans women from the US/UK/Aus. It was elegant, illuminating and well acted -- two cast members were particularly strong -- although I thought it faltered in a few spots when it shifted from "showing" through anecdotes to plain proselytizing. [personal profile] marginaliana wrote up some of her thoughts.

A phone conversation the previous night:
95-year-old grandpa: Oh! I didn't expect you to be home on a Saturday night. I thought you'd be out with your friends.
Me: No, I'm boring. Well, I'm going to see a play tomorrow, but it's a matinee.
Grandpa: Oh, yeah? What is it about?
Me, bracing myself: It's based on interviews with transgender women about their lives.
Grandpa: Oh. You know, there's this woman I know from the temple, who lives with another woman, and it turns out they're--what do you call it--lesbians? Lesbians?
Me: Mm-hm!
Grandpa: So that's very interesting! I just knew them as women from the temple, you know.
#NotAllGrandpas

Doing: Had a computer-free day Saturday involving a mall run, errands and two movies. In addition to some necessaries for work and winter weather, I treated myself to a grommet-studded cut-out shirt that I probably won't wear anywhere but at home and Club Vivid (because I am me) but love anyway.

Reading: Was delighted by Unbeatable Squirrel Girl vols 1-2: plucky, witty, metatextual, intertextual, often involved the defusing of supervillainy through psychology/sympathy rather than fisticuffs. The '80s horror of Paper Girls turns out to be not as much my aesthetic, although the introduction of overlapping timestreams in vol. 2 is getting interesting.

Watching: Saw Moonlight and Lion. Loved the first and really liked the second; cried through them both; my heart aches for Chiron. Hope to see I Am Not Your Negro and Hidden Figures this week. Catching up on what I missed in Dec-Jan when too much else was going on.

Vidding: I remain in the planning stages of the two auction vids, and am figuring out if I can make the multifandom Club Vivid vid I've been preparing since the fall or if it'll need to wait another year. I watched all the [community profile] festivids -- slim masterlist this year, half the usual total -- but haven't commented on any or recced any here because I'm afraid the gaps would give away what I made, and the thought of doing fake comments/recs to throw off the scent makes me tired. I'll probably just post the rec list after reveals.

Cooking: A pleasurable week is in store of chicken breast and goat cheese sandwiches for lunch and stuffed cabbage for dinner. Also, the supermarket was selling chocolate-covered banana chips, which I didn't know was a thing but I am all over it, mm. Banana chips were such a treat when I was a kid.
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Oh, wow. That post the other day, when I tried once more to describe that weird thing that's happened on and off for 20 years? I went and dug up a diary entry I remembered making about it in high school, and there were a couple more symptoms mentioned in it that match the clinical description of simple partial temporal lobe seizures: Behind the cut if you are curious )

I'd forgotten about the stronger physical manifestations; they don't seem to happen anymore. Even though we don't have a family history of epilepsy and my parents confirm I wasn't dropped on my head as a child :), I really wonder if that's what's up! I will ask my doctor about it the next time I have an appointment (and will stop talking about it in the meantime because probably this is not super interesting to read about if it's not happening to you). Er, and hope that if this does turn out to be the explanation, it doesn't open a can of worms of tests or "preexisting conditions."

But I do want to say thanks for inspiring me to think this through and revisit those internet searches. Knowing you are there to talk to -- or to post to -- means a lot.
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
I've been feeling weird these last few days. Current events? Inexplicable insomnia? Hormones? The anxiety of returning to "real life" after a 9-day break? All of the above? Who knows. I had a sort-of-nightmare the other morning and have been skirting the edge of That Feeling at bedtime, which I should write about again one of these days.

(I've done some reading since that last post and found some similarities to my experience in descriptions of the auras that can precede temporal lobe seizures, although I don't have seizures. Even if it's not the same as what's been happening to me, I did derive comfort from hearing that one of the features of the psychic/experiential components of such auras is that they're hard to describe. The only consistent trigger pattern I've been able to piece together is a combination of exhaustion and exposure to some media manifestation of raw male sexuality that elicits an attraction-repulsion response, but why the phenomenon doesn't occur every time those factors coincide remains a mystery.)

This time, it was set off by the hair of a low-budget Fabio-type guy in an, er, adult video clip. Last time, May 2016, it happened while hearing the opening lines of "I Found" by Amber Run as the long-haired actor in the music video* got out of the car and opened the front door to the house. See also: Yul Brynner in the dream sequence in Futureworld, Maman coming into the room in one particular scene in Slumdog Millionaire, Guy Pearce's face in part of [personal profile] elipie's haunting On My Way Home (Two Brothers) vid, the chorus of Linkin Park's "Castle of Glass," all the examples in the previous post…

*warning: kidnapping.

Okay, I guess I'm writing about it now and not later. :)

ETA: Hmmmmmmm, on further reading it sounds like "aura" for temporal lobe epilepsy can mean the experience preceding a complex partial seizure (loss of consciousness, twitching/lip smacking, language difficulty, etc.) OR the description of a simple partial seizure/focal seizure itself. So maybe the latter is what is going on?? How nice it would be to put a term to this.

ETA 2: Follow-up post
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Oh, whoa. I just got this feeling I haven't had in years. I don't know what it is -- actually, if anyone has a clue, please, please tell me, because I've been trying to define it for over ten years and have had no luck. It comes on out of nowhere, from stimuli I haven't been able to categorize. Just now, it was from looking at this photomanip (not really safe for work). Last time, summer of 2006, it was from listening to this song. Before that, from a dream about Armand, and before that, another dream with Ricardo Montalban's/Khan's bare shoulder and underarm. The first time was in high school; I was flipping channels and caught something about a hair metal band -- maybe Kiss -- some guy in leather doing something vaguely obscene with his tongue, followed by another channel with a very young Sissy Spacek playing someone called Pinky in a movie. It just washed over me, this thing, and I couldn't shake it off, until I went upstairs to my room and squeezed into the space under my desk, curled up with my back pressed against one side. Nothing like it had ever happened to me before.

It hasn't been that powerful since the first time. Instead, it's more like ... well, it's nonspecific. It hits me and it's uncomfortable but it's so strange that now it's closer to wonderful and I try to cling to it, but it always fades in minutes or seconds, and I can never quite grasp what it is that's triggering or why or what it's doing. It feels like deja vu, but it's more than that. It makes my pulse pick up and my breathing come faster, but it's not as intense as how panic attacks are described. It often feels like there's something about the stimulus that was disturbing and/or sexual, but it's not PTSD; I have no T to be S'd about. Prolonged or repeated exposure to whatever sets it off doesn't bring it back.

I am stymied.

.

p.s. No luck sleeping last night -- more anxiety, followed by the air conditioning no longer working -- but we did go out for sushi at lunch, and it rained hard this afternoon, and I'm settled in with fresh vegetables for salad and stir fry, waiting for SGA S5 to arrive in the mail for vidding.

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