My goodness -- thank you. Really, thank you. I do take it as a compliment not only that you love it so much but also that you would take the time to write such a detailed comment with suggestions for improvement. I really appreciate it. I also agree with most of your ideas. Changing "in which" to "where" will shorten the line to match the others in the stanza, for instance, and if I replace "utter" with "pure" it will begin the alliteration earlier. I'm also happy that you've picked up on so much, including the fact that, yes, House is in desperate denial about far more than Wilson.
I do have a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind. Your comment about "his" Vicodin in the third stanza -- do you mean that "his" suggests a lack of control or the removal of "his" will suggest it? And about "And suffering more pain than can be attributed to his leg" -- I did hesitate over such formal phrasing, but I do want to end on "leg," so what would you think of "...than he can blame on his leg"?
It's funny, actually, what you've said about how this one seems as if it were easy to write while the last two appear to have taken more effort, because this one and "Breaking the Cycle" were both terribly tricky, while "A Typical Day" flowed fairly easily. Of course, the real accomplishment is to write a poem that reads like a breeze no matter how difficult it was to craft, so to hear that that was the case for you for this one is very satisfying (and also pleasantly surprising, since I had very little confidence in it when I posted it).
A long reply to your delightfully detailed feedback. I'm afraid I can't sanction you worshipping at my altar because then I'd be calling myself a god, but I do most eagerly grant you permission to come by and comment whenever you like.
P.S. You may have seen me tell stephantom above, but the last poem currently in progress is an HP one rather than House. Judging by your icon, though, I don't think this will be a problem for you. :)
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I do have a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind. Your comment about "his" Vicodin in the third stanza -- do you mean that "his" suggests a lack of control or the removal of "his" will suggest it? And about "And suffering more pain than can be attributed to his leg" -- I did hesitate over such formal phrasing, but I do want to end on "leg," so what would you think of "...than he can blame on his leg"?
It's funny, actually, what you've said about how this one seems as if it were easy to write while the last two appear to have taken more effort, because this one and "Breaking the Cycle" were both terribly tricky, while "A Typical Day" flowed fairly easily. Of course, the real accomplishment is to write a poem that reads like a breeze no matter how difficult it was to craft, so to hear that that was the case for you for this one is very satisfying (and also pleasantly surprising, since I had very little confidence in it when I posted it).
A long reply to your delightfully detailed feedback. I'm afraid I can't sanction you worshipping at my altar because then I'd be calling myself a god, but I do most eagerly grant you permission to come by and comment whenever you like.
P.S. You may have seen me tell