Re: recent posts, and also life

[bironic]

I have been thinking a lot—shocker—about many things.

One of them is how I haven't been as good or kind a person lately as I'd like to be. That's in large part because of unhappiness at work and the aforementioned personal stuff, but causes are less important than actions. I have already started pulling back from conversations at the office that perpetuate negativity. I need to stop approaching situations assuming I know more than the other person or people. I need to resist the impulse to show when I do know something, because that stems from insecurity. I need to stop blaming my recent low productivity at work on entirely external forces; they don't help, but they're not the whole story. To name a few examples.

I don't like that I posted those two entries about my grandfather's private life. I needed an outlet for my surprise and delight and my other feelings, and it was tempting to tell a "funny story," but I think it was not a kind thing to share. Though I denied it to myself, does it not boil down to ageism? Why did I feel driven to tell everyone about exactly the sort of thing that would mortify me if the internet, let alone my family, found out details of my sex life and/or relationships? How much must it suck to reach an age where, as in childhood, it can once more be a struggle to maintain privacy?

Thank you to the couple of commenters who raised related points and questions.

I'm leaving the posts up for now. I wrote them and I should deal with the consequences, even if the consequences seem at this stage to be restricted to feeling some negative feelings when I scroll back and see the entries there. The important thing is they still lack identifying information. Later I will probably lock them.

*

Another thing I've been thinking about relates to that set of movie reviews I just posted as well as other media-related stuff both recent and forthcoming, which is the uptick in my absorption and thinking through of books, movies, poems, essays, songs, podcasts, etc. by and/or focusing on people from Native American, First Nations and other indigenous cultures. It's a decades-long interest, but with my habit these last few years of posting lists of everything I read and watch, combined with a few more fanworks than usual focusing on Native characters (*cough Zahn McClarnon*), what would once have been a quiet endeavor now risks coming across as performative. Plus, my ever-evolving understanding of and attempts to resist romanticizing or fetishizing the real people these characters represent becomes open to critique from others, and that's vulnerable and scary.

(I do realize, as I started to say in my review of Dawnland, that of course while media may be a good place to start learning, it is a bad place to stop, and I continue to take steps to deepen my education and involvement in community activities, support, and activism in the real world at local and national levels. Having more than like two Native acquaintances would be another good start. Following people on Twitter only goes so far.)

When I write these reviews, especially the quick ones, my inner voice vacillates between "You don't know shit, what are you talking about here, you're just a white girl who wants to sound 'woke,'" and a more compassionate understanding that I've progressed from maybe a 101 level to 201 in self-directed "Native media studies," am trying to put into words what I'm learning, am trying to apply the principles and frameworks I read and hear about to the movies I'm watching. You're watching me work through it all. I'm just afraid I come off as ignorant or overconfident, or, as my LJ header used to say in honor of Hermione, like an insufferable know-it-all. I don't want to get stuff wrong, but I'm going to, and doubtless already have. I hope you will (continue to) let me know when I do.

<3

Comments

[yhlee]

*support support*

[minoanmiss]

I've been thinking a lot recently about the difference between having an interest and trying to be seen to have an interest. Your interest in First Nations people in media has always struck me as the former.

These are definitely good subjects to keep in mind but I hope you don't self-castigate.

*hugs you gently*

[laurashapiro]

I can't speak to the posts about your grandfather, but I will say this: do not EVER worry about "virtue signaling". This is right-wing code for "don't let the left ever feel good about anything". Journals, and social media, are by definition performative, but we also talk about our lives here, about what we care about, about what's fun but also what matters. That is okay! It's great! If there are folks who think you're doing it to get a cookie, fuck 'em.

[marginaliana]

Your thoughts on kindness resonate with me, too. I find it too easy to get caught up in all the other things in life and then sometimes it takes a metaphorical kick to make me pull back and try to be more deliberate about what I do and say. So, thanks for talking about it.

As for the second part of your post, I think your thoughts and process are worth sharing - in part because it gives me faith that it's okay to make mistakes sometimes. I'm terrified of making those mistakes and I find myself slowly closing up and saying less and less. But we get stuff wrong, we learn, and then we go out there again because it's the only way for progress to happen. I guess this is me being encouraging, even though that's not really what you were looking for. I appreciate your reviews!

[longwhitecoats]

I appreciate the vulnerability of this post very much. I struggle with these lines in my life, too -- will people think I'm performing? why did I share that? what should I do if I think I made a public choice that isn't in line with my values? -- as I suspect many of us do, actually.

I think we need space to try things and to get them wrong sometimes without coming in for condemnation. It sounds like you have a good community for that; I also think that making this post is itself a lovely encouragement to the rest of us to work harder to build that kind of community, too.

[sasha_feather]

This is a very thoughtful post and I am glad to have read it.

[liz_mo]

What the others said. If this isn‘t a safe space to share and to grow where else is?
Also, when others post about things they are interested in, the readers learn along with them and maybe take an interest into it themselves.

[amnisias]

Aiming to be kinder and better in our life and with the people we deal with is an admirable goal, one we could probably all do with (I know I can). However, kindness comes from kindness, and it all starts with something call self-compassion. We need to be kind and good to ourself first, because if you are content and positive being kind and understanting with others comes easily.

Non of the things you mark yourself down for resonate with me - DW conversations are conversations equal conversation with my friends, you talk about what moves you, annoyes you and amuses you, and it is how humans digest what happens to them and shapes how they think and feel. Those things do not really happen if you just mull stuff over in your own head. So you decided that you want to be kinder and more understanding with an older relative? That's great! But would you have come to that conclusion if you hadn't posted you immidiate reaction? Maybe not.

I think this is one of the negative things of our internet/social media culture - critizing others for perceived fails and pc breaches has become so common that we have become too self-aware and self-censoring.

Self-compassion means being mindful and notice what you do without being harsh, judgmental or critical of yourself - show compassion and understanding to your own shortcomings the way you aim to be kinder to others. One can still conclude that one would like to be or do better next time, but that will be much more likley to actullay happen if one comes from a place of positivity rather than guilt.

[moon_custafer]

Yeah, iirc the term started on the left where it originally meant hypocrisy, talking the talk without walking the walk, etc.; but like all kinds of other expressions, the right picked it up and started throwing it at anyone they disagreed with, in much the same way they twisted “white-knighting” to mean “agreeing with or supporting a woman *at all*.”

[roga]

+1 and also thank you for this comment.

[monanotlisa]

What you could do is use this as a diary: write things out, freely, and set them to Private. Then you can still take a deep breath, and perhaps share with a few folks. Or not. But the power of putting it on "paper" remains.

<3

You're thoughtful and brave

[jesse_the_k]

and back-reading: perhaps my comments pulled you up short. I am sorry to have stung, if I was a bee.

It's exciting to watch you follow your interest in Native culture: you're teaching me how to educate myself as well as letting me know about resources I could use to do the same.

[toft]

<3 I admire that you're willing to do this kind of self-examination. I will also say though that DW is a space for you to do your own thinking and processing, and writing up posts about your feelings & reactions to your family & the media you consume is one of the ways you do that. It's your space. Obviously there's a complicated relationship between a semi-public blogging platform and self-curation/self-presentation but I think DW is very different from, say, Facebook in the way it's consumed, and certainly in the way I think about how I represent myself on it. It's okay to be a work in progress, and for your thoughts to be in progress, I guess is what I'm saying.

[blackmare]

Please include yourself in your renewed efforts at kindness, okay?