bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Once upon a time, I was struck by the desire to write a Riddick story in the style of those early-2000s X-Men movie fanfics where Wolverine and Rogue were imprisoned in Stryker's complex and forced to have sex for his research program. (Ex: The Cell by jjblazer.) I ended up making up a character because it didn't feel right to cast Jack as the person thrown into Riddick's cell. The words poured out, and I was well pleased with the result, but I was too embarrassed to share it, so it has been sitting on my hard drive for almost three years.

Tonight we are watching the third (& worst) Riddick movie at fangirl movie night. For whatever reason, this feels like the right time: I am finally taking the plunge and posting the fic, in all its flawed, iddy glory.

*hits "post" and hides face*

Title: Captive Breeding Program (Furyan Bloodstock Remix)
Fandom: Chronicles of Riddick series
Pairing: Riddick/OFC
Rating: Explicit
Word Count: 4,250
Summary: "Get as far away from me as you can before I do exactly what they warned you about," he growls.
Content notes: Nonconsensual sex. Murder, attempted murder, strangulation. Aliens make them do it. Abhorrent medical ethics, including forced impregnation and gestation. Aphrodisiacs. Dubious plot points.
A/N: Written in January 2014, two days after posting I Like the Way You Move. Riddick's voice was influenced by stories such as The Things We Leave Behind by Ratatosk. Enjoy?

The next one they toss in is young. )
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Went: To [personal profile] cinco and R.'s wedding, and it was so, so lovely, the ceremony, the celebration, the morning-after brunch, seeing them so happy. As well as the concentration of most of my DC-area friends in one place. [personal profile] deelaundry was able to meet for a last-minute lunch and then was kind enough to drive me from the airport to [personal profile] alpheratz's where I was staying. So I got to catch up with them and [personal profile] corbae and then see [personal profile] ellen_fremedon and [personal profile] jrho and [personal profile] holli and [personal profile] sansets and [personal profile] siegeofangels and [personal profile] inlovewithnight and [personal profile] v_greyson and S. whose online handle I can't remember, and ♥.

Watching: Finished Great British Bake-Off, alas. alpheratz & corbae were (re)watching S1 of Hannibal over the weekend so I saw some episodes of that. At first I found it too dramatic to take seriously, but the one with the girl who thought she was dead ended up suitably creepy and suspenseful. Now I guess it's back to S5 of Gilmore Girls.

Listening: Took advantage of the plane rides to finally listen to the Hamilton soundtrack so I can follow what everyone on Twitter (it feels like) is talking about. It's a brilliant artistic achievement that, arguably even more so than 1776, brings a set of American historical figures to life for today's audiences, like translating Shakespeare into modern vernacular. Other people have talked about the importance and the joy of the casting, and the multiple levels on which the use of rap and hip hop works.

Especially as someone who strives to do similar things in a different field for my job, I love what it's doing for students of history, or students who don't know they're into history. What better way to teach kids -- or anyone -- the formalities of dueling than through "Ten Duel Commandments"? What more engaging way to portray what it might really have been like in early government meetings than "Cabinet Battle #1" ("I'll show you where my shoe fits"/"whatever the hell it is you do at Monticello")? How many more people now have heard of Hercules Mulligan?

It's funny, it's dramatic, it's informative, it's catchy, it's smart. It's clearly inspiring people to talk about these characters and look up historical documents, and it's calling out themes related to modern society as well as the universal human condition. That said, I find that my appreciation for the soundtrack is intellectual; I don't share fan friends' emotional attachments to various characters and relationships, which are themselves another indicator of Miranda's success. Maybe it's a function of only having listened once straight through without reading lyrics, not having been able to tell all the characters apart, not having seen any bodies interacting on stage? Maybe it's that I'm not generally a big fan of musicals? Maybe it's just the way I'm going to connect or not connect with this particular text.

I'm glad to have the mp3 files, anyway, and to be able to experience the show in some way when getting tickets is not feasible right now. Some of the tracks I've found particularly fabulous so far are the two above, "Right Hand Man" (boom! and that neigh!), "Wait For It," "Guns and Ships" (Lafayette!), maybe also "Stay Alive" and "Hurricane." Also kind of hilarious the way King George's numbers sound like songs by Mika.

Doing: Fall/winter arts calendar is picking up. We are going to see a live-scored version of Nosferatu tomorrow night at the symphony. Then National Theatre Live's syndicated Hamlet in December, as well as Joanna Newsom with Alela Diane as opener, whee. Hat tip to [personal profile] ldthomps for letting me know about the concert while we were hanging out Tuesday with a visiting [personal profile] ignaz.

Vidding: On hold for just a few more days until Festivids assignments go out. Only two of the things I offered have been requested so far, which is weird, since all but one were for things other people nominated. I guess more people than I would have expected nominate fandoms that they want to offer rather than receive? In many ways this process felt pleasanter before I was on Twitter and knew about the back-end signups tracking page.

Coping: I was feeling pretty down last week and over the weekend because of this health news. [personal profile] synn, [personal profile] deelaundry and [personal profile] alpheratz are good friends who lent sympathetic ears. Still, the emotional fragility persisted, and on Monday (I took a day off to recover from the weekend trip) I started writing a Mary Sue story set in an AU I constructed last year, almost certainly never to see the light of the internet, to work through stuff. And... it seems to be working? I mean, in combination with taking recommended RL actions, but I think it really has helped. Having Mary Sue voice my insecurities and sadnesses while vampire prince charming offers reassurances. Because while I'm hard on myself, apparently I can write someone being nice to Mary Sue!me. Talk about the power of creative writing. ♥
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
I have been meaning to post, and then I do not post. Such is the way of things.

Here is an entry about vampires.

Reading: I am leisurely rereading Anne Rice's Blood & Gold, a.k.a. the Marius novel. I hadn't revisited it since my sister first bought it for me in 2001 because it was so disappointing and dull. Thus it's been a pleasant surprise to find that it's not as terrible as recalled. I mean, it's not good, but there have been a few engaging passages and enjoyable character/relationship moments, and many things I hadn't remembered about Marius' history. Down to silly stuff like how he takes a nice hot sexy bath in the beginning with Thorne the Viking vampire.

Maybe it was Pandora that I really hated. Though I still rolled my eyes at the Botticelli worship and skipped Zenobia's Eudoxia's history, etc., and Marius' excuse for not going after Armand following the Santino disaster still rung hollow. If we start listing flaws, we will be here for a while. I continue to believe that stories involving Marius, and Armand, and probably others, are best told in third rather than first person.

Writing: Concurrent with the above, have been playing around in an old Mary Sue storyline where the girl who had been together with but then dumped by Marius gets turned into a vampire after a complicated (and, on reflection ~15 years later, not entirely logical) bring-her-close-to-death-so-Marius-has-to-decide-right-now plot set up by Armand.

That all was written already; this week I've been jotting down the scene where she takes her revenge on the humans Armand hired to hurt her. So she moves from being a victim to making them her first victims. It's been enjoyable to explore what the changes in her personality might be post-transformation.

Just as it's been enjoyable to contemplate how the story has evolved each time I've come back to it over the years. This feels like a more grown-up segment than the breakup fight I wrote when I was 20 (friends-locked, sorry), which felt like a more grown-up segment than the puppy love I wrote at 15. These Word documents are like an archaeological dig of my psyche, or like a diary in the form of melodrama.

The writing is coming out flat, though, as so much of my fiction has for the last couple of years. Something to do with not connecting to or conveying emotions, I suspect. I'm trying not to dwell on it, but rather to let the words come while they want to. Rewriting to change the POV from Marius to Mary Sue might do the trick, so we hear more of what's going on in her head instead of watching her.

Rereading this book has also made me realize I may have been better at capturing Marius' personality back in high school and college than I gave myself credit for. Which is nice.

Thinking: About how much the Vampire Chronicles may have influenced my feelings about polyamory and bisexuality, in addition to its more obvious role in my introduction to male homosexuality. So much of the VC narrative concerns men loving men, of course. But also men loving both men and women. Sometimes at the same time.

Because I read the books starting in my early teens, I'm not sure whether they shaped my preferences and showed me what was possible or whether I fell for them so hard because they articulated and affirmed how I felt or would have felt anyway. (I suspect it's the latter, in part because the books' obsession with Christian theology and sin and souls and damnation didn't rub off on me at all.) About how there can be such easy, deep, emotional and physical affection regardless of gender, and how vampires--a.k.a. individuals traditionally not considered in the mainstream--a.k.a. regular people--can love more than one person simultaneously. Without causing drama. Nor conflating bisexuality with promiscuity. A few exchanges in Blood & Gold brought the thought to light today, when Marius was telling Bianca about Pandora:

Excerpt )

It's all obvious and ordinary and wonderful to me now, especially after so many years in fandom where queer identities are the norm rather than the exception, but the awareness and the embrace of what I didn't see around me in real life growing up must have started somewhere, probably not entirely from within my head, definitely before college, and I wonder if this series wasn't a significant contributor.
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (RSL neil window)
[ profile] kassrachel asked: Reminisce about your first fandom: what did you love about it?

This is much harder to answer than anticipated, because my entry into fandom occurred stepwise across 15 or 20 years.

There was the first canon I obsessed over and daydreamed about and encountered ancillary storytelling for in the form of tie-in novels (Star Trek), the first for which I found fic online and engaged with my best friend in what I now recognize as RPing (Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles) [and I started writing stories for Trek and the VC around the same time, as a teen], the first for which I inhaled fic and couldn't figure out how to stop (Buffy the Vampire Slayer), the first I wrote meta/acafan stuff about and went to cons for (Harry Potter), and the first fandom I fully participated in on LJ, including writing fic and commenting on other fans' posts (House).

When I asked [ profile] kassrachel if she could help narrow down the definition of "fandom" in this case, she said: "First canon you fell in love with and wanted to tell stories about? First canon you actively wrote stories about? First canon about which you wrote stories which you shared with other fans?" Fortunately, for all of those, I think I can answer Star Trek.

About that: )
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Title (sort of): Thoughts on the use of hands and bodies instead of restraints to hold victims down in my Mary Sue noncon fics
Word Count: 850
Warnings: Discussion of erotic nonconsensual fiction & enjoyment of same.

It's an invasion of personal space and a preview of the more intimate unwanted touching that follows. It's a way to establish or reinforce the physical superiority of the villain... )

Written for my Kink Bingo "held down" square.
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Okay, I changed the Robot Chicken vid from f---ing machines to mechanical/technological. There's a difference between creative interpretation and compliance to the Bingo Wiki classifications. I don't have a mech/tech square on my second card, so it'll have to be the free square.

Since I still want to do masters/doms/slaves/subs, this means I'll be doing a line that has verbal humiliation again. Speaking of having a kink for verbal humiliation in Mary Sue stories, here is a new one for the occasion.

Fandom: Original characters in the DS9 universe.
Pairings: OFC/OMC (Starfleet cadet/Cardassian soldier)
Rating: Adult
Contains: Noncon, forced prostitution, verbal humiliation, victim-shaming, begging, biting, bondage, reference to ritual suicide.
Word Count: 1,625
A/N: If you've been following my shameless Mary Sue installments, this scene happens after Makor gives up on Karin and sells her into a brothel (which hasn't been posted yet). If you haven't, all you need to know is there is a Starfleet cadet who has been abducted and sold into a Cardassian brothel.

'Humans,' he says. 'Such a proud race. Such a proud little girl. What are you so proud of? You are nothing but a slave of the basest kind.' )
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
So, I just finished this? It's the first-time scene for Karin (OFC) and Makor (OMC) in the main thread of my DS9 Mary Sue noncon epic. 4,600 words, warning for graphic noncon, some struggling, some bondage, some humiliation, and a little melodrama. With bonus unexpected muscle cramp metaphor.

I know there are approximately three of you who read these things, so, for the rest of you, I'm sorry. Fannish content to reappear at some point, I swear. Watch this space.

When she's been subdued, the Cardassian in front of her steps forward, saying, 'Let me explain a few things to you.' )
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (i'm not here)
[ profile] l_eremita made me do it.

Okay, no, she had nothing to do with this other than engaging me in a conversation about Mary Sues tonight. Together with a couple of neat comments I got yesterday on the earlier stuff with the Cardassian, I am again posting old self-indulgent noncon against my better judgment. This time the connection to the Trekverse is even more tenuous, or else I'd think about tying it in to a Kink Bingo square. Anyway—WARNING for noncon/rape. OFC/OMCs, 2,000 words. Same disclaimer applies as before.

Also. Um. Dear new Vividcon friends and old non-Vividcon friends: Once in a while, I post Mary Sue noncon. Please don't judge me.

'The Federation's intentions are of no concern to us. You have acted against the Ra'ani and you will pay the consequences.' )
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Congrats to [ profile] roga, [ profile] queenzulu and [ profile] l_eremita for correctly guessing that Sebastienne was not the name of one of my Mary Sues. Sebastian is one of my favorite names, though, not to mention the vampire hero in one of the below stories, so it wasn't far off base.

For the rest: Mitzi came in with the most votes (4), which I find intriguing. That one was a child in a Trek-verse terraforming colony who'd been imprisoned after an alien race called the Ja'Han attacked the settlement. The kid was named Sarah, but I had her call herself Mitzi when she hit her teens because it means "bitter." There was going to be this whole symbolism where by the end of the story she'd been freed and learned to love life again and cast off the nickname, but I never finished it.

I imagine Julie was a tempting choice because it's ordinary, but in fact that was the name of My Very First Self-Insert -- the one who lived only in my head, when I was no older than 7 or 8 and Julie and Crystal (and, later, after I saw FernGully, Krista/Chrysta) were the most beautiful names I could dream of. In light of recent (to me) sociopolitical and race discussions, it's... weird to think back on that and consider the influences and dominant cultures in the media I watched that told me those were the sort of names that were to be yearned for. Other than that, though, the Julie stories I used to tell myself as I lay curled up in bed are essentially the same as the ones I write for myself now.

For the one who guessed Meredith: In a tale that is terrifying but true, I named that hurt/comfort Sue after a girl at school I was fake-mad at because she was flirting with the boy I liked and he appeared to be more interested in her than in me.

And for the one who guessed Amarantha: No, I really was that naive once upon a time.

I have a lot of Thoughts on Mary Sues and growing up and writing and discovering oneself and fandom and stuff. But they will have to wait.

* * *

I am still conference-hopping but I have my vidding computer back OMG yay and today I went and got a huge-capacity external hard drive (10-cent gigabytes! I am floored at technological progress) and so I might might might be able to pull off a couple of submissions for Vividcon after all, and I have my vids-in-progress that I seriously cannot wait to get crackin' on again. First step is to finalize a proper ripping/editing/encoding process instead of the half-cracked lazy cruddy method I was using before. (For the vidding curious and/or vidding experts, my latest questions are here and here.) Computer! Ooh, I just want to hug it.
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (khan con)
I just wrote this whole thing about how I'm feeling bad about myself today &c &c, but I hate writing those posts almost as much as I hate reading those posts, so instead let's talk about cons.

A poll! Which actually is only a little bit about cons. )
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Would anyone want to read more Cadet/Cardassian Mary Sue noncon? I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and am in one of those questionable moods where I think it's a good idea to share. Warning for noncon; contains 1,400 words of bondage, a toy, a forced orgasm, and no redeeming value. Also, Karin sounds suspiciously like John Sheppard at times. Not to denigrate John Sheppard.

Disclaimer/explanation is in the first post under this tag.

'Is this position perhaps more to your liking?' )
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
For those who want to know, this came before what I just posted, though it takes place afterwards. I wrote it last month, and for a while I thought the whole thing would actually stay post-trauma. Obviously the line about the toy ended up spawning its own story and proved me wrong. It's also much more typical of what I write on my own in the sense that it's fragmented and doesn't conclude. Anyway, if you're interested, here's what started this branch of the Karin 'verse.

Characters/Fandom: Karin, Bashir, Odo; implied Karin/Makor (Deep Space Nine) – see author's notes here
Word Count: 3,100
Rating/Warning: PG-13 for implications and discussions of past sexual assault
Note: White space is where scenes skip. Be forewarned that the piece just falls off a cliff at the "end" as well, where I stopped writing when something else shiny caught my attention. And yes, still melodramatic and probably not at all representative of real debriefings or post-traumatic conversations. Other than that—enjoy?

'It was like I forgot everything I learned at the Academy. I didn't fight well, I didn't fight hard enough, it was like I never learned combat training at all. I panicked. I didn't want him to hurt me.' )
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
I was so in the mood for filthy Cardassian fic the other night that when I exhausted the bookmarks I knew, I went and wrote some myself.

I still can't believe I'm posting this. Not sure yet whether I should \o/ or run away.

Pairing: OFC/OCC (original Cardassian character) - see author's notes
Fandom: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3,500
WARNING: Noncon, bondage, object insertion, double penetration, humiliation
Summary: "I have yet to acquaint myself with a person—Cardassian or human, male or female—who has not succumbed to the hjartak," he said conversationally.
A/N: Possibly for the [ profile] kink_bingo square, "f*cking machines."

More substantial author's notes. )

'It's good, isn't it,' he murmured. )


Aug. 27th, 2008 09:24 pm
bironic: Neil Perry gazing out a window at night (Default)
Or not. I was going to make this a poll with radio buttons—"Which of the following embarrassing sentences did [ profile] bironic not write once upon a time"—but you know what? I had too much fun picking out passages. So: All of the following come from stories I wrote between the ages of about 13 and 18. Hope you enjoy.

Warning for indirect references to noncon. Also bad writing.

Vampire Chronicles, Star Trek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stargate movie and original fic. Oh, my darling Mary Sues, angst and artsy run-on sentences. )

(I wish I had my other laptop with me. There's a lot more on there.)

The moral: Although it may happen on what feels like a geologic timescale, our writing does change and improve as the years go by.

Despite the above, I do want to say that I still read my old writing, that most of it is better than these excerpts suggest, and that every single story in those archives on my computer still has something I love—something that's true to me and/or to the characters, something that still moves me after all these years, after all the growing I've done. There's something much more personal in these stories than in a lot of my posted fanfiction, because they were written at a time when I didn't have an audience; they were for me (and very rarely for very close friends, with one big exception), and I wrote about what I wanted to, no matter how angsty or depraved or silly or clichéd or egotistical or anything. It didn't matter if the girl was an idealized stand-in for myself. Most of the time that was the point; or I realized what I'd done halfway through the writing process, or even years later. The situations were exploratory, reflective, deeply personal, sometimes scary, sometimes thrilling, always honest. It didn't matter if the story never got finished, once I'd written the part(s) I wanted to. It didn't matter if the story consisted of multiple disjointed scenes that contradicted one another. It didn't matter if I repeated themes from one story/universe to another.

There's a reason I reread these stories far more than I reread my posted fic, even though it's the latter that I'm more proud of.

Fanfic—or more accurately, posted fanfic, fanfic on LJ—is another sort of creature for me. These are complete stories, with a beginning and middle and end; Mary Sue-free; emotionally subdued or understated; mundane rather than melodramatic; short; written in the third person; very carefully constructed; often gen or slash rather than het (would any of you have guessed that the majority of what I used to write, and still sometimes write when I revive the desire to write something just for myself, is kinky Mary Sue het noncon?). These have to have a point to make about the characters. They have to be good. They're going to be seen by other people, and I'll be judged by them. If they're going to be about me and/or my desires, they have to be constructed in a way that perfectly suits the canon characters. Goes my thinking.

This was what I was getting at the other week when I mentioned that my creativity has been stifled for a few years in part because of audience problems, whether real or imagined. What I meant was this: When I try to write fanfic for posting now, all the LJ fandom people and their stories and comments are in my head with me. This causes two problems: one, when I sit down to write a story, it's hard to tune out the background noise of other people's ideas and characterizations and find my own; and two, I'm thinking about what people's reactions to the writing might be when I finish and post, which makes me nervous about phrasing and originality and maturity and—just about everything, and can shut me down before I've gotten very far, or as I get near the end. It affects the kind of stories I write, too. PWPs tend to die ugly unfinished deaths, if they even reach birth. I've become self-conscious about posting stories whose main point is sex, as if I'll be respected less for it. (Which is stupid; I know this; I read plenty of PWPs and love them and their authors; but there it is.) And it has affected my stories-for-myself writing. People are still with me in my head when I open up those old files or a new document, and when I do manage to clear them away, it's still hard not to think things like, "Well, if I like this when it's done, maybe I can post it," which brings back the audience-reception nerves. I've never gone so long without writing my own stuff as I have since joining the LJ community. Overall, LJ has been an unquestionably positive influence—for one thing, my writing has improved in many ways, and I don't think anyone wants to write snippets of Mary Sue stories for their entire lives—but I've also lost what used to be my greatest outlet. One of the things I want to get back to this year, as school decimates my online time and pushes me back into myself while upping the stress levels that once led to writing, is the for-my-eyes-only stuff. Maybe relearning how to do that will rekindle the fic-to-be-posted "muse"; maybe it won't; but I would like to get back in touch with that part of myself that has lain dormant for so many years.


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