POP QUIZ

[bironic]

Or not. I was going to make this a poll with radio buttons—"Which of the following embarrassing sentences did bironic not write once upon a time"—but you know what? I had too much fun picking out passages. So: All of the following come from stories I wrote between the ages of about 13 and 18. Hope you enjoy.

Warning for indirect references to noncon. Also bad writing.

Vampire Chronicles, Star Trek, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Stargate movie and original fic. Oh, my darling Mary Sues, angst and artsy run-on sentences...

      Her lower lip trembled and tears threatened to spill. He settled down next to her, holding her to him so she would be comfortable. Oh, the helpless feeling he had; all he wanted to do was make her feel better, get her to smile, something!


      he was about to strike when a strange thing happened, something he had not expected: in desperation she shut her eyes and concentrated, and armand saw her thoughts. he was inside reannon’s body, [implausible non-con deleted]. “my God...” the mood snapped in armand, something broken and tearing at him, and he felt his mouth open slightly. “no, don’t cry, i’m sorry” only made the tears fall faster, she squeezed her eyes shut and wept quietly but fiercely, clutching at her stomach in agony with her newly freed arms. armand could not stand it. he gathered her up once again and she fought against him. “shh, don’t worry, i won’t do anything, i won’t, i swear it, it was a foolish thing to do, i had no idea.” she gave in and wept in his arms, which is how it should have been in the first place, they both agreed separately and silently on that.


      Frowning, he kicked me hard in the side and I think I made a sound but I don’t remember because it hurt very much.


      Willow tried to push herself up on shaking arms with a pitiful “Giles…” and he gathered her small frame to him almost roughly, searching for a blanket or something with which to cover her shredded clothing. There was a small pool of blood on the floor underneath her and a bruise was rapidly forming above her left eyebrow.


      Blindly I grabbed the gun, they were finished now, he raised his hand to strike her and I hit him over the head and he fell to the side.


      Her innocence almost, almost turned the god from his deed. But not quite.


      The Gul reached out and, when the mother allowed, gently, ever so softly, ran his fingers across the baby’s head. Karin placed her hand over Dukat’s.
      “She—she has your eyes,” she said.
      “And your mouth.” Dukat’s own eyes were wide and soft before he caught himself. Odo still watched.
      “Julienne Dukat Moreau.” Karin was so full of obvious love that I couldn’t help but smile.


      “Perhaps that was my problem, Marius. It was wrong of me, quite spoiled actually.” Armand whispered sheepishly up to Marius. “I’m sorry.”


      The constable’s face lit up though he obviously attempted to hide that as well, taking the baby gingerly into his arms. I wondered if the little girl reminded him of the time he’d taken care of the infant changeling. Whatever, I had a job to do.


      “I never dared to believe that you were real, but Heaven knows I dreamed of it,” she admitted finally. “I feel safe with you… and yet dizzy, like I’m under a spell.”


      “The scratching sound grew louder, and I tried to go back to sleep. I thought it was a raccoon, or maybe a stray dog, but something made me feel in danger. I probably should have listened to myself, but— Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep but then something fell outside and cursed.
      “Now, dogs and raccoons do not curse. I was really scared now, and I climbed out of bed.”


      It fit her perfectly, more than perfectly, and Marius didn’t know what to say. It was a lavender sundress, sleeveless and short– down to her upper thighs– which showed off her amazing figure. The green flecks in her brown eyes stood out with the leaves of the flower pattern. She was gorgeous.


      “I don’t know where this is headed any more than you do, my love. I only know that nothing could make me happier than dancing with you on the beach until sunrise.”
      […] Marius kissed her eyelids, her hair, her cheek. He ran his lips down to her chin, and that’s when he tasted her tears.
      “Have I hurt you? What’s wrong?” She shook her head and pushed his hand back to her face. He drew in closer and kissed her lightly, gently on the lips. Her warmth! How must he feel to her, a cold and hard thing?


      Her mouth was open, features frozen forever in an expression of horror. There were two marks on her neck. Vampire wounds. His own mouth dropped open. “Ann...” he whispered. “Reannon... No!” he screamed to the ocean and sand. He held her close to him and stroked her hair. “No...” He kissed her lips tenderly; they were still warm. Tears ran freely down his face.


      Though we often said we wished that once, just once, these drills would be real, it wasn’t quite as amusing as we’d thought. What if someone got hurt? What if our things were destroyed? What if school were to be closed for a long time? This fire bell was different than past ones.
      It was a bell which would change my life.


      The man’s gaze was boring into me and I supressed a shudder. It was like staring into the face of death itself. Death carrying a handgun.


      Shortly Serena’s eyes opened and caught mine, two humiliated gazes fixed on each other in mutual pain, in their own world where neither was being exploited and time stood still.


      She burst into tears, burying her face in the mattress as she curled up and wept with all her tortured soul. Tears came to my own eyes and I didn’t stop them—wasn’t it my own fault that she was in such pain, after all?

(I wish I had my other laptop with me. There's a lot more on there.)


The moral: Although it may happen on what feels like a geologic timescale, our writing does change and improve as the years go by.

---

Despite the above, I do want to say that I still read my old writing, that most of it is better than these excerpts suggest, and that every single story in those archives on my computer still has something I love—something that's true to me and/or to the characters, something that still moves me after all these years, after all the growing I've done. There's something much more personal in these stories than in a lot of my posted fanfiction, because they were written at a time when I didn't have an audience; they were for me (and very rarely for very close friends, with one big exception), and I wrote about what I wanted to, no matter how angsty or depraved or silly or clichéd or egotistical or anything. It didn't matter if the girl was an idealized stand-in for myself. Most of the time that was the point; or I realized what I'd done halfway through the writing process, or even years later. The situations were exploratory, reflective, deeply personal, sometimes scary, sometimes thrilling, always honest. It didn't matter if the story never got finished, once I'd written the part(s) I wanted to. It didn't matter if the story consisted of multiple disjointed scenes that contradicted one another. It didn't matter if I repeated themes from one story/universe to another.

There's a reason I reread these stories far more than I reread my posted fic, even though it's the latter that I'm more proud of.

Fanfic—or more accurately, posted fanfic, fanfic on LJ—is another sort of creature for me. These are complete stories, with a beginning and middle and end; Mary Sue-free; emotionally subdued or understated; mundane rather than melodramatic; short; written in the third person; very carefully constructed; often gen or slash rather than het (would any of you have guessed that the majority of what I used to write, and still sometimes write when I revive the desire to write something just for myself, is kinky Mary Sue het noncon?). These have to have a point to make about the characters. They have to be good. They're going to be seen by other people, and I'll be judged by them. If they're going to be about me and/or my desires, they have to be constructed in a way that perfectly suits the canon characters. Goes my thinking.

This was what I was getting at the other week when I mentioned that my creativity has been stifled for a few years in part because of audience problems, whether real or imagined. What I meant was this: When I try to write fanfic for posting now, all the LJ fandom people and their stories and comments are in my head with me. This causes two problems: one, when I sit down to write a story, it's hard to tune out the background noise of other people's ideas and characterizations and find my own; and two, I'm thinking about what people's reactions to the writing might be when I finish and post, which makes me nervous about phrasing and originality and maturity and—just about everything, and can shut me down before I've gotten very far, or as I get near the end. It affects the kind of stories I write, too. PWPs tend to die ugly unfinished deaths, if they even reach birth. I've become self-conscious about posting stories whose main point is sex, as if I'll be respected less for it. (Which is stupid; I know this; I read plenty of PWPs and love them and their authors; but there it is.) And it has affected my stories-for-myself writing. People are still with me in my head when I open up those old files or a new document, and when I do manage to clear them away, it's still hard not to think things like, "Well, if I like this when it's done, maybe I can post it," which brings back the audience-reception nerves. I've never gone so long without writing my own stuff as I have since joining the LJ community. Overall, LJ has been an unquestionably positive influence—for one thing, my writing has improved in many ways, and I don't think anyone wants to write snippets of Mary Sue stories for their entire lives—but I've also lost what used to be my greatest outlet. One of the things I want to get back to this year, as school decimates my online time and pushes me back into myself while upping the stress levels that once led to writing, is the for-my-eyes-only stuff. Maybe relearning how to do that will rekindle the fic-to-be-posted "muse"; maybe it won't; but I would like to get back in touch with that part of myself that has lain dormant for so many years.

Comments

[euclase.livejournal.com]

Your excerpts are really wonderful and endearing, but the rest of the post--holy moly, it's blowing my mind with awesome. It's not familiar territory at all, having the kind of foundation you have and the kind of long-term relationship you have with fanfiction. I sort of want to hang onto it. Like the shiny, valuable bits in rocks.

Also, hi, I'm insane.

Also, thank you for the birthday wishes a couple posts ago. <3

[bironic.livejournal.com]

You're very welcome. :)

I have a sort of three-- no, four-stage relationship with original- and fan fiction:

1. Fantasies when I was a kid

2. Proper fic/fanfic, written down, inspired by and written for only myself; around this time I was also reading professionally published fanfic in the form of Star Trek novels

3. Written fic/fanfic after I discovered "real" fic online, even through a time where I was reading other people's stuff on LJ

4. Fanfic deliberately written for posting

So, yeah. Many stages, and definite differences in what and how I've written in each of them.

I remember that you've talked before about feeling pressure from your readers/audience, even if you suspect you're making it up (or if people tell you you're making it up). I wonder if this has any relevance to it.

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

Oh. Okay, yes, I get this; I struggle with "audience block" with my art. It absolutely kills creativity.

You have my deepest sympathy there. And you know what? Your younger-days writing was pretty darn good!

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Ha! Thanks.

Have you found any solutions to "audience block" for yourself?

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

Yes, I have found one thing that does help a lot and, in fact, just earlier today I was thinking I needed to start again. Eight years of custom mural work (and living in a town that cared basically nothing for art in general, let alone mine in particular) has left me with a pretty bad block.

What worked for me before was to get notebook paper out and write stream-of-consciousness garbage as I sat with my morning coffee. Just whatever came out, whatever I thought, was worried about, happy about or aggravated over. I wouldn't think of what to write; I'd just start writing and whatever came out would come out. Sometimes it was whatever I remembered dreaming. Sometimes I'd sketch or doodle. Sometimes I'd end up writing free-verse. Sometimes I'd write crap that just didn't seem to mean anything. Basically what this did was clear away all that internal noise by putting it on the page.

It doesn't sound very helpful, but it really, really was.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I bet it was. One thing I'm doing is just like what you've described: I've broken out a notebook to restart a nightly journal. I was kind of astonished to find that I could still write full-speed with a pen and paper after so long spent slowly composing emails and posts. I hope it eventually helps with the creative writing.

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

It's also helpful for me -- both in fanfic and as a visual artist, strangely enough -- to revisit fandoms I thought I had outgrown. Watch a few episodes of, say, Magnum, P.I. or old Doctor Who and let my imagination play.

It also helps me to look at other people who are totally getting away with the kind of bold, wacky creative stuff that I think of and then squash because I fear the reaction it will get.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Curious:

to revisit fandoms I thought I had outgrown. Watch a few episodes of, say, Magnum, P.I. or old Doctor Who

Are those by chance shows you were a fan of without being in fandom? Or were you online for those too?

[blackmare.livejournal.com]

Actually, yes -- thanks for the distinction. There was no such thing as the internet when I first watched and loved those shows.

I was a fan, but fandom was not known to me in any form.

[zulu.livejournal.com]

*nods* See, I knew I'd be glad when you posted your thoughts!

I think I grew up very differently, because for as long as I can remember, my mom's been a writer, and since I was, hm, eight or nine, a published author. It's always been a point of pride for me: this is my mom's book. You should read it! It's dedicated to me and my brother! My mom was always working towards publication, so when I wrote, and she encouraged me, it was always with this idea that there was this audience (editors, publishers) who would pass judgment. The business of writing is just as important in our household as the artistry. It's like having a discussion of how best to get the most comments on a fanfic. Formatting counts!

Extending from this, I joined a writers' group and later took creative writing courses: there was definitely, always, an audience, and that audience was always going to be critical. Critiquing was the point. Critiquing made you better. Grow a thick skin, kiddo! There is no crying in critiquing!

So when I finally got to fanfic, when I was nineteen, I was initially contemptuous of just how bad so much of it was. I knew I was better than that--and I felt like I was above it all, too. Pride goeth before a fall! When I got into it, it seemed easy at first, and it gave me instant validation, and since then, I've really become a comment junkie. But at the same time, I've learned that fic is as much an art as original fiction. The emphasis and the techniques are different, but equally masterable. So did the sandpit swallow me!

What's never phased me, though, is the audience. Fic, for me, is actually a reprieve from a more critical audience. It's a break. So for me, writing to/for a specific flister, or with the idea of what my audience might say in my head as I write, is not a difficulty or a thing to be fought. It's pretty happy: "aww, X will like this." "Man, will Y be surprised when I post this." "I hope Z comments on this, it should hit her kinks."

An audience for fic, in this sense, tends to spur me on--which is not different from you, I think--but for me, there's no alone-and-only-for-me writing to get back to; there's work-writing to get back to, and I find that more and more, I'm willing to procrastinate on original fiction in order to get that audience-fix that comes from posting fic.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Interesting!

I find myself wanting to comment on this part:

So when I finally got to fanfic, when I was nineteen, I was initially contemptuous of just how bad so much of it was. I knew I was better than that--and I felt like I was above it all, too. Pride goeth before a fall!

Because, ha, me too. Probably most everyone here too. I've always been a reader, and I've always prided myself on being a good writer. I've never shied away from criticism. It's just perhaps that the sort of writing I was doing for myself was of a different nature, essentially, than what I started writing when I started posting. Not that I held myself to any lower standards, but that the material was much more personal/revealing and thus harder to share.

[purridot.livejournal.com]

I think your first fanfic forays are adorable. Well, maybe adorkable? Like the pictures parents put on their fridge. But as Dr. Johnson said (I think it was Samuel Johnson!) "the process is the reality." As a language teacher one of my favourite moments of the semester is when the students turn back to the very first reading of the textbook, and everyone has a good laugh about how easy the text is now, when at the time it was so scary! I think it's wonderful to see a writer's evolution. You only learn by doing.

Your insight into audience reception was so heartfelt. I have found on LJ lately that the writers who make the leap out to write whatever they like to entertain themselves or their circle of readers seem to be having the happiest time of it (rather in the spirit of karaoke), while others worry about writing "fanliterature", not just fanfic. Maybe you should take up a second pseudonym, as many famous authors do?

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I dunno. I think half the battle is actually producing something. Once it's there, posting it under this name might not be an issue. But you're right, keeping the idea in mind may help with that part of the writer's block.

Well, maybe adorkable?

*g* For whatever reason, I find this phase more embarrassing than the stuff I wrote when I was just a few years younger, 10 or so. This is when *I* -- modern, mature, current me -- started showing up in there. Like having one's growing pains, or sexual awakening, documented electronically, indefinitely. But that's what makes it so special too.

[bell]

I was going to suggest you experiment writing things you promise to youself you won't share, but you seem to have reached that conclusion for yourself. It might not still come out well at first, but I think as you get used to it, the writing will flow out again-- which you might need, if the year will be as demanding as you think it will be!

I never wrote that much *without* the community-incentive-- when I was on my own, I was too freaking scared-- so I'm very grateful to fandom for helping me get passed those first steps.

And for the record, several people on my flist used to write Mary Sues before becoming Serious Ficcers, so you've got company. ^_~

[bironic.livejournal.com]

:) Yes, always good to know. Mary Sues seem to be like training wheels for fiction writers. Graduating to a two-wheeler may happen at about the time you learn the definition of a Mary Sue.

I was going to suggest you experiment writing things you promise to youself you won't share

Yes. The most success I've had with returning to personal fiction-writing was... ah, late last year, maybe... when I did exactly what you've said: swore I wouldn't post it, and just wrote something I'd had in mind for a while. No beginning, no end, just the part I wanted, no worries about dialogue or sentence structure beyond what I thought sounded good, no worries about the nature of what I was writing about and what its reception might be, etc. Very freeing. But getting into that headspace is not easy.

[thedeadparrot.livejournal.com]

I totally hear you on the audience thing, and I know there's this huge mental block to break through regarding it, but there comes a point where you can say, "Fuck it," and write totally self-indulgent fanfic without the pressure of everyone else on you. I'm not always able to do that, but when I can (usually while I'm too tired to let other things get to me), the writing that comes out is some of my best.

But yes, you'd be surprised how small the distance between 'enjoyable' and 'totally self-indulgent' can be. No, really. Give it a shot.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I look forward to this great day.

It's funny, because I love when other people post self-indulgent fic. It means they love what they're writing about beyond what usually holds them back, which usually means that love translates to the reader. Especially when it's personal, because when it's very personal it becomes universal. And yet. And yet that doesn't seem to work the other way around for me.

[thedeadparrot.livejournal.com]

Actually, now that I think about it more, one thing that really helped was reading this post by cesperanza a few years back that said, basically, that for her, not every story had to be a home run. Some of them could be singles or doubles or even sometimes just a bunt, and that was okay.

Just thinking of my writing that way helps take the pressure off for me. I'm not going to hit one out of the park every time. The fic I'm currently working on probably will not hit two pages of comments. And that's okay. Maybe the next one will.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

But but but. Then it's like, if you've been on the DL for half a season, you can't come back and hit a bunt. You know? Finishing stories so sporadically, I feel like they have to be good to make up for it.

[ignazwisdom.livejournal.com]

This causes two problems: one, when I sit down to write a story, it's hard to tune out the background noise of other people's ideas and characterizations and find my own; and two, I'm thinking about what people's reactions to the writing might be when I finish and post, which makes me nervous about phrasing and originality and maturity and—just about everything, and can shut me down before I've gotten very far, or as I get near the end.

Yep! Me too! :)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Partners in writing issues! Awesome.

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

Your analysis of the difference between writing fanfic for LJ and writing for oneself was fascinating to read, and just so true. I hope to talk about this in more depth this weekend!

Edited to eliminate redundancy caused by rewriting.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I hope to be articulate in person!

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

I was dropping by to catch up on your trip, but got sidetracked by this post. I think your early stuff is okay; it's less mature and more self-conscious than your later writing, but it's still pretty, you know, literate.

And it's definitely a worthwhile aim to write stuff for yourself, if it makes you happy :)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I guess the ultimate goal would be for my-fic and posted-fic to not necessarily be two separate entities. But one step at a time. (So go many things this year, it seems.)

Really need to do those last couple of trip posts before the semester starts. *adds to whiteboard*

Picked up James Gleick's biography of Richard Feynman today from the library. I like his writing and I am intrigued by Feynman, so it should be fun.

[maddoggirl.livejournal.com]

13 to 18? 18? I'm only 17! I'm going to be laughing so hard at myself in a few years, I guess. I'm already deeply embarrassed by stuff I wrote a year ago in the House fandom. Yours were quite sweet, reminded me of stuff I wrote when I was 13/14-ish. Better than 90% of fanfic anyway :D

[bironic.livejournal.com]

:)

Hey, who knows? -- maybe writing maturity is accelerated when an author is already online, helped along by experienced people's comments.

[jadesfire.livejournal.com]

Fascinating snippets - mine would have been oh-so-much the same if I'd written any of them down, except they were She-Ra and Doctor Who ;)

The audience problem is a tricky one. Recently, I've been struggling with the whole 'writing for myself' thing, but I really do think it's the root of it. We band together in groups for encouragement and improvement, but ultimately, if you're not writing something that does something for *you*, you're not going to be happy with it. It's not compulsory to write for an audience, and the kind of writing you're talking about sounds like just the ticket for you at the moment. Something to build up your resouces again, find what you want before worrying about others.

Also? I don't think we *ever* grow out of the Mary Sue phase. The stories that I still write only my head are that type (she's a more typical 'save the day' Mary Sue in my case, but still). Staying in touch with that...I want to say 'self-indulgent' but that makes it sound like a bad thing...side of ourselves has to be a good thing. It makes me smile, it makes me happy. It's just for me.

LJ is huge and intimidating, and I can absolutely see how it would put you off writing, worrying about these things. My own approach is to close my eyes, hit post and not worry about it. As long as I'm happy with the story, that's what matters to me. Maybe I'm just stupidly self-centered, but it's been the best way to stay sane and keep writing. I really hope you find your own way out of this soon - you're a terrific critic and a thoughtful, skilled writer, and I'd love to see more of your work, fanfic or not.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It's been really interesting to see what people have to say about how they've found their way out of similar situations. Your story makes me hopeful too. :) I'd like to get to the point where I can write a story again, and then get through the posting angst. I kind of suspect that the first part's the hard part and the actual decision to "out" the story will be fine.

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

When I try to write fanfic for posting now, all the LJ fandom people and their stories and comments are in my head with me. This causes two problems: one, when I sit down to write a story, it's hard to tune out the background noise of other people's ideas and characterizations and find my own; and two, I'm thinking about what people's reactions to the writing might be when I finish and post, which makes me nervous about phrasing and originality and maturity and—just about everything, and can shut me down before I've gotten very far, or as I get near the end.

Yes, exactly. It's a tightrope, it really is, when you write in a genre that feeds off not only canon but also itself. Especially your second reason. After a while of writing and posting fanfic, I started worrying about what other people would think. And yep, I ended up dead in the water because I'd say to myself, well, so-and-so won't like this, whozit will blast me for that, etc.

Feeling obligated to write what is expected of you will stifle you sooner or later. So now I'm selfish again and am writing what I want for fanfic, no matter how weird or embarrassing (Cool Treats, anyone?) or unoriginal it may be. It's scary to do that, because yeah, we all like the attention that we get when we write to the audience; but I think we have to be selfish in writing, or we won't be true to our own voices. It's nice when it hits a chord with fanfic readers, but to me, now, that's not the point.

(((hugs)))

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Feeling obligated to write what is expected of you will stifle you sooner or later. So now I'm selfish again and am writing what I want for fanfic, no matter how weird or embarrassing (Cool Treats, anyone?) or unoriginal it may be.

Yes. Yes. (And I loved that fic! More proof that there's always an audience, I guess.)

I hope to get to the point you've reached. Was there a breaking point for you? A moment of epiphany?

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

Was there a breaking point for you? A moment of epiphany?

The five months last year where I didn't post fic at all was the start. Of course, there was a lot of other stuff going on too, but writing had always been an escape and it wasn't working that time. Nothing was coming out except for a few haiku and even that stopped.

The first fic I wrote and posted after that five-month silence was an Avatar: The Last Airbender fic. I wasn't even a big fan of it; I watched the show only because my kids did. The ep that sparked the fic had a great premise; I wanted to explore its potential consequences. I think that's when I had that epiphany. Maybe two other people on my f-list are Avatar fans--and that didn't matter. I enjoyed writing it.

Now I'm playing around with different pairings, genres and fandoms, just going with the flow. I'm not feeling like I'm writing for an audience anymore. They're fickle anyway. :-) If I like it, I throw it up on the LJ and see what happens. As you say, there's always an audience.

[thewlisian-afer.livejournal.com]

Today's dictionary.com word of the day is "chthonic." It made me think of you. ♥

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Ha! Great word.

[thirdblindmouse.livejournal.com]

Frowning, he kicked me hard in the side and I think I made a sound but I don’t remember because it hurt very much.

Aww. I like this sentence. Poor kicked person.

Blindly I grabbed the gun, they were finished now, he raised his hand to strike her and I hit him over the head and he fell to the side.

You know, technically there's not the slightest ambiguity in that sentence. Fanfic for
our robot friends, yes? RoboShep loves you for your badfic.

Her innocence almost, almost turned the god from his deed. But not quite.

OMG, the suspense of this one kills me! (Almost.)

It must be nice -- not to have embarrassing writing in one's past, but to have explicit evidence proving that you can and have improved. Personally, I'm embarrassed by the things I know I'll write tomorrow, let alone things I wrote ten years ago. That's without even the excuse of it being fiction, which is experimental no matter what. I'm very impressed by the ability fic writers have to construct plots out of nothing. I know how to manipulate what is, but trying to construct something self-fulfilling (i.e., exists for no purpose other than to be itself) is magical.

[stultiloquentia]

I'm completely charmed by your excerpts. You're right: there's something so unabashed about them that they're compelling, even when they're a little colt-legged.

I love your commentary on them, too. You're really kind and loving to your past self.

The thing that pops out for me is that you list angst, depravity, silliness, cliché, ego, stilted phrasing, unoriginality, immaturity...as equal writerly sins. As if your ideal publishable story is not allowed to have ANY of them.

Bah.

But I guess I do personally really relate to the line in ellen_fremedon's old essay: "Grammar [rather than porn] is fandom's locus of shame. Discuss." I'm pretty good at quashing my jitters about posting ridiculous PWP, but I agonize over the prose. Like I have to prove I'm smart even though I'm writing silly wedding night schmoop by making every sentence clever or graceful.

Probably every writer has their own special balance of things they feel matter.