Current poll winner #2: Thoughts on body image

[bironic]

Funny, I had assumed no one would be interested in this one. Should have known better.


I think I've mentioned that I haven't been happy with the current shape of my body, driven largely by some weight that I gained when I switched a med a few years ago. That's the main reason I started seeing a therapist, actually: I would like to not spend so much time being distracted by and disgusted by how I look. And ideally to change the disgust to not-disgust, of course, regardless of time spent ruminating on it.

Since self-acceptance hasn't yet clicked, part of how I've been trying to deal with this is to *do* things that might help. Two months ago, my doc and I switched back to the original med to see if anything changes for better or worse. This personal-training business is another strategy. Regular movement is supposed to be good not only for loosening and strengthening muscles that have been giving me trouble but also for improving my underlying insulin resistance, which in turn affects weight gain/loss and fat distribution; for lifting my mood, and when I'm feeling better I don't obsess as much over body image and other negative thoughts; and for becoming more fit overall, which I think will help me come to terms with my current weight if it turns out that this is the weight my body wants to be when it's healthy.

Reading about the Health at Every Size movement was useful, with its philosophy that fitness and nutrition are ultimately what's important. It's just that right now I know I'm missing the fitness component. Since it's not yet clear whether my weight will change when I'm consistently active, it's hard to commit to the path of current-body acceptance. (I work in a medical-adjacent field where I regularly encounter research that shows how exercise is more useful for keeping weight off than for losing it and how weight and metabolism are complex and poorly understood biochemical systems. It's *still* hard to remember to decouple exercise from a desire to lose weight. I have to keep reminding myself of all the other immediate and long-term benefits.)

"Focus on what your body can do, not on how it looks," they say; but my body can't do. Not yet, anyway. I want it to be able to do what it used to -- dance, row, play badminton, sit with a computer or notebook for hours while I lose myself in imagination and not be broken afterwards -- and more. Maybe that will help with self-image.

That is... all background for what I wanted to say here, which is that two (more) particular triggers for negative body thoughts recently crystallized for me: flat, fuzzy ponytail hair and the way many of my clothes fit. So: I got a haircut. It is short -- chin-length -- and different and fun. Well, it was fun when the stylist did it, because she partially straightened it and made it all flippy. I do not have the skills or equipment to replicate what she did, but it has been behaving well enough in its natural curly state. My face looks better when my hair is down, and this cut means I have to wear it down. So that is good. Even though it looks different from day to day and sometimes that internal voice says, You look stupid; I try to tell it to shut up.

The clothes thing is trickier, because it entails finding the intersection of items I like that are made for overweight apple-shaped people and can be worn at work and are affordable but not slave-labor cheap and won't shrink or turn into a potato sack after two washings. I need to start shopping in different and slightly higher-end stores, and/or find out what this alterations thing is all about. People talk about investment pieces and building small, quality wardrobes of items that each make you happy, but again, tricky to commit to when fit and style are difficult and I have a hard time acknowledging that I may continue to be my current size for a while yet.

So here I am semi-copping out by picking up a few long-sleeve shirts at Old Navy (they are so soft) and focusing on shoes first. Swapping out schlumpy or ill-fitting fall/winter shoes from years past for more sophisticated, happy-making shoes that don't pinch or slip off -- which is harder than it sounds, for some reason, between not fitting into many standard shoe shapes and thinking some things fit in the store that definitely don't fit at home. Anyway, as of yesterday I've got two new pairs of boots, one flat/combat and one suede anklet. The plan is to keep the heels at the office along with my other happy-making but commute-unfriendly pair, which have a cool angled heel and double zipper. Because I think dressing "up" rather than "down" will help make me feel better, and shoe size is both steady and not emotionally charged.



Is this weird to post about? It feels weird to post about in a mainly fannish/media space. And this is only the summary version of things.

I'd better do it before I think twice. Or ten times, heh.

Comments

[monanotlisa]

I love people posting about their lives and opinions -- and you in particular (of course; that's why I follow you ;).

It's impressive that you have made several starts! And to me it may be most impressive that you dared to do so in the realms of footwear, what with being a woman in the US. I find this applies in general...

(I do recommend writing-and-posting, too, unless it makes you too anxious. :)

[sasha_feather]

*thumbs up*

I love those combat boots!

When I was working on body image (let's be real it never ends, I still am working on it), I read the fat nutrionist a lot and found her super helpful.http://www.fatnutritionist.com/

[kass]

This is not weird to post about at all. I hear you on the hair thing (changing my hair was really good for my sense of my own image) and also on the generalized body image / health / physicality stuff. I am a couch potato in my natural state, and I know that is not good for my body. I've been realizing recently that I have terrible asthma which is why I hate exercising which is why I'm in not-good shape. I'm trying to learn to use my inhaler. Anyway: I don't mean to make this all about me -- just to say that some of what you wrote here resonates with me. I send love.

[blackmare]

This is not weird to post about, and I especially relate to the need for a better haircut; I just got one and it really does matter. It makes a difference. And at 5’3”ish and 164 lbs, yeah. I’m kinda there with you. Including with the trying to get “must lose weight” out of my head and “Need to move more so my knees stop hurting” instead.

[laurashapiro]

I'm sorry you're struggling with self-acceptance. This shit is so hard, and yetso universal among women that I feel a sort of solidarity outrage every time I learn a friend is feeling this way. Even we tiny people are not spared; I daily regret my no-longer-flat stomach and middle-aged flabby arms and jowls.

It sounds like you're doing all the things that will help you feel better, which is great. And I can't wait to see your new haircut!

[seekingferret]

I sympathize with the exercise stuff, and with looking at all the active stuff I used to do and don't anymore. When I lived in New York, I was 20 years old and hyperactive... in addition to just the normal movement of walking miles around the city every day, I was practicing with the school ultimate frisbee team a few times a week, running all over the field for a couple of hours until I dropped. Then I graduated, moved out to the suburbs, got a car, got a 9-5 job that wears me out mentally so I don't have energy to exercise... The fact that I've put on some weight doesn't really bother me, but the fact that I just can't run for long enough to play ultimate now upsets me. I've stumbled onto bicycling as an exercise thing I can do that doesn't bore me and seems to be within my current capabilities and I've been trying to push it more and more.

[nightdog_barks]

Is this weird to post about?

I don't think so. And I like hearing about other lives in this way, and it gives me hope for my own self. I mean, I've lost weight, but it was due to meds (Trulicity) and the surgery (the hysterectomy), but with the weight loss I seem to have lost the desire/urge to ... do much of anything in the way of exercise. So seeing this post and others' comments and knowing that in some ways I'm not alone is a good thing. All of which is to say, please keep writing. :D ♥ ♥ ♥

[shati]

It doesn't seem weird at all to me. My non-fandom friends talk about body issues and health in ways that I find really upsetting, so I...would post about body issues in a fannish space, if I knew how to talk about problems. Speaking of health. D:

Also, I'm hoarding my flat fuzzy hair's warmth for the winter, so it's nice to live vicariously through other people's haircuts. The cut sounds great! I love how hair seems so much bouncier and more energetic after a cut.

[seascribble]

*hugs hugs hugs* A lot of this post resonated with me, as I am not nearly as capable physically as I was before and during graduate school and am also 40lbs heavier.

It might not be the time for it yet, but if a buddy of some kind would help, let me know. You could go to Yoga with me and the housemates or we could swim or bike or something.

[cuddyclothes]

I'm glad you posted this. I consider LJ and DW to be personal as well as fannish places. I'm 5'10" and currently weigh 218 pounds. My previous doctor wanted me to weigh 160 (I did for short periods in my youth). My current doctor would be happy to see me at 190. I'd be happy to see me at 200. I'm menopausal now, and various insane dieting I did when younger has left me with the metabolism of a garden slug.

Sometimes I think the dirty little secret of health/fitness size acceptance is that many of us don't want to exercise and eat all kinds of fattening stuff, or big portions. Nobody wants to say, "I'm fat and it's okay that I can eat a tub of ice cream at one sitting!" In a sense, proclaiming that one is fit and fat, while it's a great thing, is also buying into the larger issue of body culture. We don't give thin people shit about fitness, not in the same way. You can't see heart disease and high blood pressure in thin people. Sorry for the rant.

ETA: This is NOT criticism! I eat all kinds of stuff and I hate exercise. But sometimes I feel like admitting that is some sort of betrayal of fat people.

[jetpack_monkey]

Speaking as someone who can be sent into fits of depression by shopping for anything that's not jeans and t-shirts, I hear you.

[toft]

I love people posting about their relationships with their bodies because it's super helpful to me, partly because I'm on a journey of trying to accept/manage chronic (but low-grade, thank goodness, at least at the moment) pain and working out what that means for my relationship with my body. A lot of what you said and the strategies you're using resonated and itw as interesting. Well done for getting a haircut! I loathe getting haircuts and making change but I always feel disproportionately more confident when I like my hair.