Sestina!fic #3: "Breaking the Cycle"

[bironic]

Others:
- Sestina #1: House post-infarction
- Sestina #2: "A Typical Day in Diagnostics"


Title: Breaking the Cycle
Character: James Wilson
Rating: R
Word Count: 400
Prompts: whispers (from daasgrrl), pound (from thewlisian_afer), part, wife, friend, lies
A/N: With thanks to synn for looking over draft after draft and saying each was fine, even if I didn't believe her. :)


Midnight, and James lies
Awake beside his softly snoring wife,
Staring at the crooked part
In her hair and listening to the whispers
Of leaves in the wind like secrets between friends.
This close, he can see the pulse pound

In Julie's throat. He winces as his head pounds
In counterpoint. After two divorces, it's happening again: the lies,
The roaming eyes, the sneaking off to see his friend
To alleviate boredom and avoid his wife.
He knows, he knows he shouldn't. His conscience whispers
Admonishments for him to shape up and play his part

In this marriage. Yet he yearns for more than to merely play a part.
An ounce of prevention might be worth a pound
Of alimony, but he's restless. Doesn't know what he wants. The sheets whisper
As he turns and sighs at the ceiling. He's crap at lies.
He knows what he wants. What he has, however, is a wife
Who hates him and an irascible friend

He's been dancing around for too many years. A friend
Who's killing himself by measures, one part denial to two parts
Recklessness. A friend who requires delicate treatment, like a wife,
Though sometimes it's all James can do not to grab the bastard and pound
Some sense into him. A friend who forces him to play games of lies
And manipulations, forces him to shout when he'd rather whisper,

Because House won't listen to anything as quiet as whispers,
Pretending he can't hear it over his pain. A self-styled detective of a friend
Who doesn't see what's in front of him, or refuses to.
                                                                        James has had enough of lies.
Time tonight to stop waiting, stop playing, stop evading, do his part
And try for what he wants. He eases out of bed. His heart pounds.
He dresses in the dark and closes the door on his still-sleeping wife.

"Shouldn't you be in bed with your wife?"
House greets in a conspiratorial whisper.
James can't speak, his chest crushed beneath pounds
Of pressure. Closing his eyes, he leans into his friend
And shows him exactly why he isn't. When their mouths part,
He forces himself to meet House's gaze. He relaxes. Eyes don't lie.

"Your wife probably won't be surprised," his friend-
Turned-lover whispers between gasps twenty minutes later. James nods, every part
Of his body tingling as House pounds into him. He sighs. No more need for lies.



* * *

Feedback of all sorts welcome, as always.

(x-posted to housefic and house_wilson)

Comments

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

Very nice.

I like the repetition of "pound" and how at this point:

James can't speak, his chest crushed beneath pounds
Of pressure.

It's like James is underwater, with pounds and pounds of water pressure suffocating him.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Ah, great -- that was the effect I was hoping for. Was afraid it might read as if he was suddenly trapped under a fallen building or in a totalled car. :)

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

Quietly beautiful. I like the image of "listening to the whispers / Of leaves in the wind like secrets between friends." It sets the mood for the whole sestina. I also liked the clarity and straightforwardness of "Eyes don't lie." The line breaks the previous rhythm of allusiveness and subtle avoidances conveyed in the longer lines preceding it and marks a new, more real state of being for Wilson.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

What an interesting insight. That whole section was intended as a transition from rumination to action and then from tension to relief, with the relief hinging on the expression in House's eyes. But I hadn't considered that line as one that shows Wilson waking up to reality. Neat.

I'm glad you like the wind-whispers too. I got stuck on those lines in the beginning, but then I hit on the simile idea and it seemed like a perfect use of the prompts to set the mood, as you've said.

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

Such lovely detail of longing and regret, and the decision finally to do something about it. I may have said this before but I'll say it again: the sestina is a perfect form for these two. This feels like a lot of power waiting to be unleashed.

Which lines do you think are bothersome?

House greets him in a conspiratorial whisper. I think it might sound better if you remove the word "him" and change "in" to "with". The last line, too, seemed a little long. Maybe replace "his body" with "him"? Just suggestions...

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Cool. Have changed "him in" to "with." (Funny -- I think it said "with" in an earlier version.) And yeah, I was playing around with "him" vs. "his body" and ended up going with the latter because the sentence ends with "him." That last line -- those last three sentences -- still aren't sitting right. They're too long, as you've noticed; I'm sure there's a better, tighter way to conclude the poem than what's there right now. Argh. Everything after "later" went through half a dozen revisions just today.

In general, the lines I'm still iffy about are the ones that take too long to get their point across: the last two, and Though sometimes it's all James can do not to grab the bastard and pound.... Poetry's got to be tight, and these bits aren't.

There's also He's been dancing around for too many years. Can't tell if it works. That space kept getting filled, deleted and replaced, until this one. Didn't want to give away the game too early, didn't want to get off track. The compromise reads a bit trite/wishy-washy to me. Not sure.

Anyway. Thanks for asking, for the advice, and for what you said at the beginning of your comment. I may have agreed with you before as well, but it's still true: this form does suit our brooding doctors all too well. I'm so glad you found that this coalesced into a portrait of longing before Wilson (finally!) decided to take action.

[petrichor-fizz.livejournal.com]

He's been dancing around for too many years.

Well, I really liked that, personally.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

So did daasgrrl below. Two points in its favor, then. Thanks for chiming in!

[silsbee329.livejournal.com]

Concrit escapes me right now; however, that fifth stanza - where everything comes into focus - needs some praise, especially this line:

A self-styled detective of a friend
Who doesn't see what's in front of him, or refuses to.

I know they're kicking your ass, but you've gotta be having a lot of fun with these! They're turning out really great.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I read your first sentence as "needs some work" the first time, and only after a few seconds realized you were saying it was good. Oops. Thank you! Was thinking about popping in "brilliant" before "self-styled detective" ... since you've singled out that line, would you say the extra word is unnecessary?

This one was fun until it stopped cooperating! Then it had to be wrestled into completion. But yeah, there are many more terrible things to be frustrated with than a sestina about an angsty Wilson deciding it's finally time to jump House. :D

[silsbee329.livejournal.com]

Hmm... I don't think I would add the "brilliant". There's a little bit more of a dubious feeling toward House's perceptiveness this way (even though it's probably just denial and not lack of perception). I like that about it. Just my humble (convoluted!) opinion. ;)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Nope, it makes sense. Advice taken.

[thewlisian-afer.livejournal.com]

I have no concrit for you. I love this, as is. ♥

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I will take hearts in place of concrit with no complaint. :) (And that would be a heart instead of a smiley if I knew how to make one.) Thank you; I hope you will like the upcoming one that uses all 6 prompts from what you supplied.

[thewlisian-afer.livejournal.com]

haha! I have to teach you how to make hearts. It's & hearts ; without the spaces.

I don't think I actually commented on the first two sestinas, but I loved both of them too, so I'm sure I'll like the one that uses my prompts. :D

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Cool -- glad to hear you liked the others. I do think you'll like "yours." It's only half-done, though, so it's kind of hard to say for sure.

(Oh, it's plural! No wonder. I left off the "s" last time and, not surprisingly, got the code thrown right back at me.)

[secondsilk.livejournal.com]

The & hearts ; is the html code for the playing card suit. Also & spades ; & diams ; & clubs ;

&spades ♣

Although, it seems you don't need the semicolon.

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

I have no concrit either, and I thought I was picky. Just love. I really appreciate the economy of this kind of format, and how you've managed to fit so much into it. Beautiful lines like the 'dancing around for too many years' and 'because House won't listen to anything as quiet as whispers', and 'and shows him why he isn't'. Gorgeous :)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you pointed out "dancing for too many years" because it took forever to get that line done and I wasn't sure if it worked. And, heh, yeah, what particularly kicked my butt about this poem was trying not to compromise either the tightness of the poetry or the story I wanted to tell within the framework. Sacrifices had to be made on both sides, but the result seems to be going over well, and that makes me happy. :) Thanks again!

[leiascully.livejournal.com]

Mmmm. Lovely. The only time I get brought out of it is by "his friend" in the last bit, but there's nothing much to do about that. This is wonderful, just like the others. I have high hopes for the next two. Is one of them Harry Potter, I hear?

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Yep, there's a Lupin one comin' up.

"His friend"... is it the "his," the fact that the line is shorter, the fact that he's still calling House a friend, or...? I'm wondering what drew you out, if you know.

Thanks for the comment, and once again I hope the rest continue to please.

[leiascully.livejournal.com]

Lupin! Delicious, I can't wait.

The fact that he's still calling House a friend. I know you have to do it, though, so I'm okay. Nice work! I'm sure the rest will please.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Ah, but see, there are ways to fix that, like

...his friend-
Turned-lover whispers between gasps...

[leiascully.livejournal.com]

Mmmm. Well, you had me anyway, and now it's even better. I was going to give you points for good form! English majors. Tsch.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Do I still get points? :D

Thanks for pointing that out -- I like the new phrasing too.

[leiascully.livejournal.com]

Of course you still get points! For form, for style, and for extra style.

[stephantom.livejournal.com]

(Meant to review each of these earlier. As usual, I am a bad reviewewer, but you are an excellent writer.) This is such a cool series you've got going. I'd never heard of a sestina before. It's a very interesting form and you make excellent use of it here. It's amazing the different ways you use the same words again and again and how varied the images formed from them are. Really well done. Looking forward to the next ones.

[savemoony.livejournal.com]

I didn't read the author's note, and didn't realize this was a sestina until after I finished it, but I'll still going to just throw this out there:

I'd take out the "Well" in the "James had had enough lies" and drop the line so, it looks like:

Who doesn't see what's in front of him, or refuses to --
.......................................................................... James had enough lies.

Staying within the structure is critical, but to me that lines is the reversal. It's The Moment. I think it'd be more effective if you singled it out, instead of leaving it as an afterthought. Even if you choose to not drop it, I'd still omit the 'Well'

Other than that, v. good. The emotions are in the right places.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Funny, after playing around with different phrasings and line breaks (in early drafts there was one before "He eases out of bed"), I added the "Well" to try to make that sentence stand out, to show how Wilson is gathering his thoughts and courage and preparing to take action, but it seems to have had the opposite effect for you. Hm. I'll think on this. Thanks for pointing it out.

And thanks for commenting! This one was particularly tricky and I'm glad you feel that it progresses smoothly but for that bump.

[savemoony.livejournal.com]

I figured that might be the case, and a transitional word works then. But "Well" doesn't have the right connotation. At least, to me. And you're welcome! I hope that you get this polished. I cannot wait to see the final drafts.

[violet_quill]

That's lovely! Sestinas are SO difficult; I'm impressed. :)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Thank you! These are tough, but fun too. Glad you enjoyed.

[awwsugah.livejournal.com]

JEEBUS. CRIPES.

Absolutely astounding. You're killing me, and I'm enjoying it, lol.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Heh. Thanks, I think. Glad you enjoyed it.

[asynca.livejournal.com]

I don't know enough about poetry to be able to offer any concrit.

From a purely amateur point of view, I enjoyed this. Wilson's regret, and also hope, are very intimately written.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the feedback. No worries about the concrit -- but hey, don't sell yourself short on your ability to judge this. Most of us are amateurs too.

I saw your remark over at simple__man's poetry post this morning and figured I wouldn't be seeing you over here, so thanks for taking a chance on this, and I'm that much happier that the mood and emotions in this piece felt real to you.

[petrichor-fizz.livejournal.com]

Wow, I've never heard of this form before - thanks a) for introducing me to it and b) for doing something so brilliant with it.

Loved it.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

You're welcome, on both counts. If you're interested in sestinas and don't want to comb through literature textbooks to find some, you might try Elizabeth Bishop's (http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/users/03/ahead/sestina.html) (a classic) or check out a collection of contemporary ones at McSweeney's (http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/sestinas/). (It was the sestina about "Friends" over there that gave me the idea to do the cast's names as prompts.)

[pinglederry.livejournal.com]

How can I possibly express my appreciation for your poetry work properly? Let me try...

All your sestinas
Are perfectly couched and phrased
To fit these two men

Oh, or maybe


I'm really not much of a poet
'Cause when I try rhyming, I blow it
But seeing these here
Says to me, "Persevere!"
There's more to poems than just the couplet

...

Although I had been planning on a sonnet
As you can tell, I shrewdly have forgone it. :P


You know what? Screw it. Bravo! Keep it up. :)

best comment ever :)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

For someone who claims not to be much of a poet, you've just written a haiku and limerick (and couplet!) that made me laugh out loud. Thanks! both for the compliments & encouragement and for the clever format.

[cupidsbow.livejournal.com]

Oh, what a fantastic idea! I love sestinas. I can't wait to read these. *saves to disk*

[jadesfire.livejournal.com]

Have taken my time to comment, as I didn't have as strong a reaction to this as to the other two. The first was grippingly emotional, while the second was fun and engaging. I found this more thoughtful and measured, probably because of the subject matter. As with the others, the more I read it, the more I liked it.

I liked the way you played with the meanings of the words lies, part and pound - clever without being intrusive. I was much less aware of the form with this, as it flowed so well and the words were less striking than in no.2. I did find myself noticing the rhythm, the mixing up of long and short sentences, which worked nicely and the gradually increasing length of the lines, which plays into the emotional build up.

If you're still tweaking...I wasn't sure you needed to put "A whisper of crisp sheets" in brackets, as for me, that interrupted the smooth flow. Just sticking commas round it, or beginning it with 'with' could also work. I also wasn't sure about the repetition "play his part"/"play a part". It kind of worked for me and kind of didn't - not sure there's much to be done about it.

Lines I loved were "An ounce of prevention might be worth a pound/Of alimony", which I very much heard with a rueful smile, and the last line of the 6th stanza, where you really, really SHOW us what's going on, without telling us. Perfect.

Looking forward to more! Keep up the good work :D

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I was hoping you'd have a go at this.

The first was grippingly emotional, while the second was fun and engaging. I found this more thoughtful and measured

Good; this one was meant to be quiet and meditative. I'm a little sorry to have posted the first three poems in decreasing order of impact, but I wanted to start getting them out there for feedback, and like I said last time, this is just the order in which they've been finished. Besides, I think if I'd held out till they were all done and then posted so they sort of built up to the post-infarction poem, that one would have gotten all the attention.

So while it's too bad that this didn't affect you right away, I'm happy you came back and that it's grown on you, that the prompts blended into the narrative and that it achieved the gradual build-up and resolution I'd hoped it would.

I also wasn't sure about the repetition "play his part"/"play a part". It kind of worked for me and kind of didn't - not sure there's much to be done about it.

Heh, same here. It took a long time to settle on that sentence, and it was just that -- settling. I'm hoping that in a few weeks when I can look at it with a clear head, something better will come to mind.

Advice taken on the parentheses. If I may ask you also: Someone above brought up "Well, James has had enough of lies" and suggested that the "Well" strikes the wrong note. Did that line work for you?

I'm happy you mentioned the alimony line. Rueful smile indeed. I imagine that's Wilson's inner House-voice piping up. For all that he's angsty, he still has a wry sense of humor.

Thanks again for the feedback and encouragement!

[jadesfire.livejournal.com]

I saw that above - I think I agree with savemoony that it needs a transitional word, just maybe not 'Well'. It worked, but it's not ideal. To my ear, it reads well without it, and ok with it. Maybe something with a bit more of a bang ("now"?) *shrugs* I think it's something to maybe revisit, like the part-playing lines, but not to stress over. You're doing great work here - keep it up!

Sestina: Breaking the Cycle

[secondsilk.livejournal.com]

Oh, I really like this one.
The whole story of Wilson. And the confrontation. And House's not wanting to listen. And listening to the whispers
Of leaves in the wind like secrets between friends.
Wonderful.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

It's wonderful to hear you say that. This one gave me a lot of trouble and it's a relief all over again each time someone says it works. Thanks as always for singling out what you liked best.