Sestina: McKay during "The Hive"

[bironic]

My latest effort to pull out of the "everything I touch turns to crap" mode that I've been in for the last several weeks is to try some more sestinas without worrying about how tight or original they are. It seems to be working. The one I started last night about John Sheppard has stalled halfway through, but here's another I managed to write today.

For those of you unfamiliar with the show: It's Rodney McKay during "The Hive," the second half of a two-parter in Season Two where the team (Sheppard, Rodney, Teyla and Ronon) gets captured by evil!Ford (former team member gone bad), forced to take Wraith enzyme ( = steroids), and coerced into participating in what is essentially a suicide mission to blow up a hive ship (huge spaceship teeming with nasty life-sucking aliens). Rodney gets left behind as collateral, and when the team doesn't make it back for many hours, he takes a massive dose of enzyme in order to overcome his guards and get back to Atlantis to tell the others what's going on and save the rest of his team. Red-faced and frenetic, he babbles and gesticulates like Wilson on speed without actually managing to communicate that Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon are trapped on a hive ship. He passes out before Elizabeth (the boss) can understand what he's saying. Later (after everyone is rescued, yay) he tells Elizabeth that while he was on the enzyme, he felt that he was perfectly lucid and it was everyone else who wasn't making any sense.

I like this one because it uses the end words to return to the same thought over and over, rather than inventing an entirely new meaning or context each time. Characters on drugs help, apparently.

Concrit welcome!

ETA: x-posted to sga_flashfic for the Wordless Challenge, here.


Title: An Unanticipated Side Effect of Dosing Oneself with Wraith Enzyme to Deliver an Important Message
Character: Rodney/team gen
Rating: PG
Word Count: 513
A/N: Many thanks to daasgrrl, elynittria and synn for concrit.



It was very strange. The whole time I was under the influence of the enzyme, it felt like I was, ah, I was perfectly lucid—eloquent, even. That it was you who wasn't making any sense or listening to reason.

- McKay, "The Hive"



Three goons down (pow! whamm! crunch!) and a bottle of enzyme
coursing through his bloodstream and the DHD fixed and at last Rodney
has made it back to Atlantis so he can explain the very important
situation, the, the whatsit, the crisis, that's got Sheppard
and Teyla and Ronon stuck on the Wraith hive ship
with crazy-man Ford where they have to be rescued before they die

and oh my God they're going to die but they can't die, they won't die
because they're all still hopped up on the enzyme
and it's not like there'd be a short supply of it on a hive ship
what with all the Wraith and all and oh look here's Elizabeth so Rodney
opens his mouth to tell her about Ronon and Teyla and Sheppard
and Ford and the dart and the unbelievably bad plan because it's important,

it's so, so important, huh, that's a strange word, im-por-tant,
and what was he saying again? Oh right, right, they're all going to die
if they haven't died already, between Ford being crazy and Sheppard
being heroic and Ronon and Teyla probably going through enzyme
withdrawal by now which is exactly what's going to happen to Rodney
very soon so he really really has to tell Elizabeth about the hive ship

before he collapses because three quarters of his team being on a hive ship
having the life sucked out of them is a very bad thing, ergo it's important
they get them out, so why is everyone just standing around? Hello? Is Rodney
speaking Ancient here? Why is Elizabeth staring at him when his team's about to die,
dammit? He knows everyone around him is some shade of stupid but the enzyme
must make it worse somehow because they don't understand that Sheppard

and Teyla and Ronon are in mortal danger and for once Sheppard's
charm isn't going to save them because charm doesn't work on a hive ship
full of Wraith with their, their webs and their ridiculous teeth and their enzyme,
mm, enzyme, is it hot in here? It feels hot in here. Wait, there's something important
he has to tell Elizabeth, even though his heart's beating so fast he thinks he might die
of a heart attack before he convinces these people to get moving, and then Rodney

finds himself being led away from the gate while Elizabeth says Rodney,
Rodney, slow down—no no no no no they're going the wrong way, Sheppard
and the others are through the gate that way where they're going to die
of unnatural old age in a dark and dusty cell in a forgotten corner of a hive ship
because their expedition leader couldn't comprehend how important
it was to—to—oh, hello, woozy, ooh, look at the pretty colours. Enzyme

crash, Rodney thinks, and drops helpless to the floor while on the hive ship
Teyla, Sheppard and Ronon could be counting on him to do this single stupid important
thing. Haunted by the image of his friends' faces as they die, he succumbs to the enzyme.




 

Comments

[zulu.livejournal.com]

Oh, man, I love that. It's so frenetic, the pacing is terrific, and the form of the sestina works so perfectly for Rodney's internal monologue. Yesyesyes.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Yay! Thank you. I'm really happy with how the end-words let Rodney return again and again to the same thought(s) with hardly a pause. That probably has to do with how quickly (relatively speaking) it was written.

Now if I could learn a thing or two from you on how to create such a strong, affecting mood by relying on atmosphere over plot....

[roga.livejournal.com]

What Zulu said! Also yes. This is totally Rodney's voice, albeit hyped up and trapped in poetry, and still, it flows naturally, so kudos to you. I love how he suddenly gets distracted by his own thoughts, and the whatsit, the crisis, and mm, enzyme, is it hot in here?

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Hooray! Those are two of my favorite parts, too, for breaking from the rest of the monologue. Rodney has such a fun voice to try to play with, and I'm happy it felt right to you.

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

That was actually very cool - I got enough of the plot to appreciate it. I loved the jumbled train of thought.

Crit: It took me a closer reading to get that 'Enzyme crash' was part of the one phrase for some reason - the last transition worked much better once I realized that. That one's probably just me, though, and I don't really have a suggestion, since you obviously did make an effort to make that clear. Also, you've got 'Elizbeth' in there somewhere :)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Oh, oops, thanks, will fix.

The "Enzyme / crash" doesn't sit quite right with me, either. It's better than what was there before, but it could be better. Will ponder.

Thanks for reading! Glad to know it came across all right for someone unfamiliar with the episode.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

Very awesome. A perfect form for Rodney's internal monologue.

they're going to die
of unnatural old age

has the most beautiful mouth-feel. That might be a word I made up, but with any luck you can get the gist?

I haven't poked around in watf-drafts lately. Have you written any more over there?

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I have not! Haven't been able to make any progress, and that's part of the reason I've been so down lately. Or maybe it's the other way around. In any case, I'll let you know when it's back on track. How're you coming on yours? I'm psyched for lots of hot crossover smut.

That might be a word I made up,

Hee, I do know what you mean, and thank you.

[deelaundry.livejournal.com]

We watched this episode last night and wow, does this sestina fit so very well. Round and round and round until boom, down. ♥

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I loved getting into his head during that scene, and exploring something the show glossed over in favor of comedy -- Rodney trying to warn everyone about the team, and failing.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

This is great -- the words flowing so fast and tripping over each other. I think it really captures the way Rodney talks (and probably thinks).

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I love the idea that Rodney thinks at light speed and that's part of the reason he's so impatient with people all the time. Toss speeeeed the enzyme into the mix, and it must feel to him like everyone else is in slow motion. Plus, yep, in the episode, he kept repeating himself, or at least returning to the same phrases in his explanation, so I thought the sestina might work very well for it. And no plotting to worry about! Heh.

What I am trying to say is thanks. :)

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

Oooh, a new sestina! I can't wait to read this closely. Wish I didn't have so damn much work at the moment!

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Me too! I'm happy to be the carrot at the end of the stick for you. Or the cookie as a reward, since you actually get to enjoy that one. Thanks for stopping in -- glad to know you're alive under that mound of manuscripts.

[purridot.livejournal.com]

Wow! A sestina! I had never met one before! (Sheltered life and all). I did not know it was so complex!

I echo everyone else's clever analysis (my brain is too tired to be original) but I want to add that I LOVE the rhythm of the line:
it's so, so important, huh, that's a strange word, im-por-tant

What I wouldn't give to hear David H. read this out loud!

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Hee. I was channeling Wilson there, I think ("symbolicalating"), with McKay's voice.

I had never met one before! I did not know it was so complex!

Oh! Have you not met the others (http://bironic.livejournal.com/tag/sestina!fic)? Or am I misreading sarcasm? Love the application of That Line, btw.

[purridot.livejournal.com]

No, really, I had no idea what a sestina* was before today. Nor its complexity, until I visited Wikipedia. It is really impressive how you made something which seems difficult theoretically actually be so flowing, elegant, meaningful and fun.

*It sounded a bit like "siesta" which made it immediately appealing to me.

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

I love how you capture the high-speed, circular thinking of Rodney during this scene. I can hear this going on in Rodney's mind as he circles around Elizabeth babbling in the episode—you've definitely caught his voice.

My one quibble would be the choice of "Rodney" as one of the end words, since it seems to screw up the POV a bit. If we're inside Rodney's head (which we quite clearly are), then a sentence such as "Hello? Is Rodney speaking Ancient here?" is a tad jarring, because you'd expect it to read "Hello? Am I speaking Ancient here?" I don't see an easy way to fix that, of course, so just ignore me.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Hi! Thanks! And thanks for the concrit.

you'd expect it to read "Hello? Am I speaking Ancient here?"

Hmmm. I was going for third person limited. Is it every instance of "Rodney" that throws you, or just a few (or just that one)?

Hey P.S. -- thought -- d'you think, now and/or post-revision, this (a) fits and (b) is good enough to post for the Wordless challenge at sga_flashfic?

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

I've just re-read the whole poem, and that's really the only place where the use of "Rodney" made me pause. It just wasn't what my mental "ear" was prepared to hear. The rest of it stays nicely in third-person limited, but the phrasing in that particular line seems much more first person-y, if you know what I mean, so I kept expecting to hear "I."

Oh, yes, I definitely think it (a) fits and (b) is "good enough" (actually, it's excellent) to post for the Wordless challenge!

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Hmmmmm. I'm staring at it without finding a way to rephrase it without making it complicated and inelegant. Will revisit.

Maybe can't post to flashfic after all; just checked the rules and you're not supposed to post anywhere but that comm for the duration of the challenge.

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

You've probably already thought of this, but a possible rephrasing of that section might be as follows:

Hello? thinks Rodney,
'M I speaking Ancient here?

The idea being that the "Am I" is coming out slurred. (I didn't know how to convey that via spelling.) Or it could be something like

Hello! thinks Rodney,
Not speaking Ancient here!

Of course, you can probably come up with a much better verb than "thinks." I'm too brain-dead at the moment to do any better.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Heh -- I definitely sympathize, although your suggestions are good. Looking at it some more this morning.

I wrote to the mods at sga_flashfic and they said it's okay to post (!) so long as I private-lock this entry for the duration of the challenge, so that's what's up if you get the "not authorized to view this post" message.

[ivorygates]

Wow this is awesome. (Here via bratfarrar)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Hey, neat. Glad you enjoyed.