Sestina!fic #4, "The Truth in Dreams"

[bironic]

Others:
- Sestina #1: House post-infarction
- Sestina #2: "A Typical Day in Diagnostics"
- Sestina #3: "Breaking the Cycle"



Title: The Truth in Dreams
Character: Gregory House, with House/Wilson undertones
Rating: PG
Word Count: 362
Prompts: truth (from daasgrrl), Vicodin, Wilson, dreams, leg, puzzles
Spoilers: Vague for "Meaning" and "Cane and Able"
A/N: This ended up veering far away from what I intended. I'm a little sorry I substituted "dreams" for a previous prompt; it...cheapens the rest of the words. ETA: Have been overruled on that point. Thanks, guys. *love*


Insomniac, he'll stare at the ceiling pondering truth
Or watch TV or read or go for a ride or call Wilson.
Or he'll lie half-conscious after his bedtime Vicodin,
His mind working, working, solving intricate puzzles
He forgets by morning. Most nights, though, his leg
Allows him a few hours of solid sleep. And he dreams.

Some nights, of course, he dreams
That nothing happened to his leg
And he's running by the river with Wilson,
Who never had to write the scrips for Vicodin
Or convince Cuddy to hide the truth
To save House from his own puzzles.

Vibrant and whole, he doesn't need puzzles
Until he wakes and remembers the truth.
There are nightmares, too—terrifying dreams
Where he can't make sense of anything or his leg's
Gone or he's paralyzed and sometimes Wilson
Is there, laughing, refusing to give him Vicodin.

If he takes an extra Vicodin
Before going to sleep, his dreams
Warp and swirl like a face or a leg
In a fun-house mirror. Senses blend: He tastes truth,
Sees pain, smells music, hears love, feels puzzles.
No logic. No boundaries. He is Chase is Stacy is Wilson.

By day he doesn't talk about any of it, not even with Wilson,
Who'd rather lecture him on his obsession with puzzles,
His recent quest for meaning and his tireless hunt for truth.
Besides, Wilson would only play shrink and use his dreams
To tell him why he's miserable and alone and addicted to Vicodin
And suffering more pain than he can blame on his leg.

Tonight he wakes slowly to distant sirens, a tingling leg
And damp sheets. As he gropes in the dark for his Vicodin,
The visions slip away before the pieces of the puzzle
Fit together—something about heat, and need, and Wilson,
And a sense of pure contentment possible only in dreams.
He downs a pill, hoping to prolong that peace but knowing the truth.

Four a.m. Too late, too early. He rubs his leg and waits for the Vicodin
To kick in. Pushing aside the puzzle of his friendship with Wilson,
He tries not to admit that buried truths will surface in dreams.



* * *


x-posting to housefic and house_wilson.

Thoughts very welcome.

Comments

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

What was the prompt for which you substituted "dreams"? It reads nicely as it stands.

Psst... your 2nd stanza is 2 lines too long, and the 3rd is 2 lines too short.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Thanks. It was "piano" originally, and then it went through a few changes I can't remember and landed on "dreams."

Yes, on purpose -- those "extra" two lines belonged subject-wise with the preceding stanza, while the last four belonged together. Did you find it very distracting?

[topaz-eyes.livejournal.com]

A little distracting, yes. I did see why you grouped them by subject on reading though. For formal poetry like sestinas, does format trump subject or does it matter? It's been a loooong time since I took poetry.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Oh man, LJ ate my comment.

I don't remember having learned about internal organization for sestinas in any classes, but I've seen poems over at McSweeney's online magazine where stanza lengths and line breaks deviate from the standard while the end words remain in the proper order. Thought I'd try that here. Maybe I'd be better off breaking up "Breaking the Cycle" than this one, though, since here it was just the one occurrence and that could be confusing or distracting, while in the other there are three or four places I'd like to bridge or splice stanzas. Hm.

[nightdog-barks.livejournal.com]

I'm with topaz_eyes -- I think it reads fine; "dreams" works very well for what House is thinking about and looking for, and this:

-- something about heat, and need, and Wilson,
And a sense of utter contentment possible only in dreams.

Is a particularly beautiful line.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Everyone has been very encouraging so far. As I was just saying to daasgrrl, maybe my dissatisfaction with this one stemmed from the difference between my original hopes for the poem and the shape it ended up taking.

And I'm glad you like that line. It was changed late in the process, and it's hard to tell whether adjusted lines work as well when you're so accustomed to reading the earlier version.

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't see how substituting "dreams" cheapens any of the other prompts—the sestina is quite powerful as it stands. I think you might be feeling that "dreams" is too optimistic ("fluffy") or vague when set against the harsh realities of "Vicodin," "truth," and "leg," but the poem benefits from the counterbalance. The balancing point is "Wilson" (both the character and the word), who mediates between the worlds of waking pain and dreaming peace.

I loved the description of synesthesia:

He tastes truth,
Sees pain, smells music, hears love, feels puzzles.

Brilliant all around!

[elynittria.livejournal.com]

Addendum: In my reading, the prompt "puzzles" is a double-edged word, having elements of both pain/harshness and dreams/peacefulness. Wilson is both a puzzle to House and the solution, if House (and probably Wilson as well) would let himself "admit [the] buried truths [that] surface in dreams."

[bironic.livejournal.com]

I seem to have been unanimously outvoted on the "dreams" matter. You and daasgrrl are right -- it was a combination of not achieving what I had set out to and feeling as though I hadn't taken full advantage of the other prompts by adding the less weighty "dreams" into the mix. But your insights are just wonderful and have done the most so far to convince me that it's actually all right, particularly your remarks about the counterbalance and Wilson being the liminal figure in the poem and House's life. You saw balance where I had seen contradictions. And I'm extremely pleased you added the comment about Wilson as problem and solution -- I wasn't sure whether the lack of a conclusion on whether he's helpful or harmful made the poem complex or confusing -- and that you picked up on the point at the end about House needing to push past his denial about Wilson.

And synesthesia, yes. *rueful smile* I tried to get the word into the poem before I realized (a) it was overcomplicating things and (b) when it came down to it, I was really only trying to show that he and I knew the term, and that's a terrible way to craft a poem. So now I get to do it here instead. :)

Thanks so much.

p.s. new icon, yay!

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

I think it works really well - I'm guessing you meant by using dreams it made it a little easier to write? But the whole 'truth in dreams' scenario worked really well. I suppose it depends what you intended to write :)

My favourite lines were the 'running by the river with Wilson' one - it's one of those images that just does something for me. Also the 'nightmare' of Wilson refusing him Vicodin, which is actually true, and of course the 'something about heat, and need, and Wilson'.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Yes, when I swapped in "dreams" everything became much easier to write -- as in, I was actually able to write it. That sudden click into place seemed like cheating, somehow. But I think you're right that this is a case of the difference between the original vision for the poem and the final product. Probably I was being too ambitious and nonspecific at first by picking words for all the grand themes in House's life.

If I had guessed, I think I would have known you'd like the river and Wilson-dream bits. :) Oh, those two and their unresolved issues. Seriously, I'm glad that worked for you; I was afraid those couple of lines about the sex-y dream either wouldn't come across properly or were too banal with "heat" and "need." I'm also glad you liked the bit about the dreaming and waking nightmare of Wilson withholding his meds. I tried to work in a line or two afterwards about the fact that it happened in dreams and in reality, but it got too complicated.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. So far nobody has pounced on what I thought were flaws and inconsistencies, so maybe it does work after all and I'll summon the courage to cross-post.

[daasgrrl.livejournal.com]

I tried to work in a line or two afterwards about the fact that it happened in dreams and in reality, but it got too complicated.

Hee - I actually think it's better this way even if you could have done it. I think if you know your canon (as House people do), that part is so obvious that it works better with just the implications.

Also to say I'm glad you 'fixed' the formatting. I read your reasoning, but I still found it terribly distracting, personally. I didn't mention it because topaz_eyes had already and I thought it was actually just an error. From you, I should have known better *g*.

And synesthesia, yes. *rueful smile* I tried to get the word into the poem

I was amused, just because I know how tempting it is to demonstrate one's vocabulary. I think you made the right decision :)

[bironic.livejournal.com]

So there were at least two of you put off by the uneven stanzas. Definitely glad I changed it then.

And yes, restraint is usually the best way to go. So no overexplaining or pointlessly impressive words.

[stephantom.livejournal.com]

I really liked it actually. I thought the description of nightmares where he's confused/losing his mind or paralyzed with Wilson taunting him and refusing to give him Vicodin was quite powerful and telling - would explain some of his reactions to Wilson and the whole stealing scrips thing... The whole thing is great. I look forward to the last one!

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Everyone has been very encouraging. I'm glad you found the nightmares section accurate and moving. I tried to highlight what I think are some of House's greatest fears, many of which were made explicit in "No Reason" and early S3 -- losing his ability to reason or speak, being betrayed, being refused a prescription.

The last poem that's in progress is actually a Harry Potter one. I may do a fifth House, though, so as not to be anti-climactic to non-HP readers.

[stephantom.livejournal.com]

Ah, heh. Well, that's alright - I read HP too. :) (Though I don't have an HP icon, so I am using a a LOTR one, lol.)

Sestina: The Truth in Dreams

[secondsilk.livejournal.com]

Well, now, House.
Oh.

He tries not to admit that buried truths will surface in dreams.
The pain and the twistedness as well as Wilson and heat and need.

[celebriangel.livejournal.com]

This...is comparable to the first one in quality. As in, if it weren't fanfiction you could publish it and get fabulous reviews. In the last two - fantastic though they were - I got a sense that they were tricky to write. In this, it sounds as easy as speaking. I lovelovelove it. Okay. on with the concrit - but only because I think this could seriously be the best fanfic poem I've ever read with some tweaking.

His mind working, working, solving intricate puzzles I think would benefit from you changing the second, working, as then you have three different words which is a powerful concept. Perhaps to 'churning' or something along those lines?

There are no words to describe my love for the second stanza. Seriously, it was concise and insightful and perfect, especially Or convince Cuddy to hide the truth/To save House from his own puzzles.

In the third stanza, Vibrant and whole, he doesn't need puzzles is so much love. I think it would flow better, though, if you replaced 'in which' with 'where', and that also carries the idea of a dreamscape. I also think the 'his' in the last line is unnecessary - and thinking on it, suggests that the Vicodin doesn't belong to him, and he doesn't control it, but he needs it and it controls him. That is all the more terrifying here because Wilson is stopping House from having it. *shivers*

Again with the third stanza - competing with he second for my favourite part. The synesthaesia thing is just wonderful but I like He is Chase is Stacy is Wilson best of all - so neat, concise, and flowing.

I love how this stanza is longer words and slower sentences to contrst with the short sentences is the previous stanze. It doesn't ever become clumsy or long-winded, though - although And suffering more pain than can be attributed to his leg. could maybe be turned around to something like 'And suffering more pain than his leg should cause him' rather than the passive form which is a little awkward.

The fifth stanza - aaahh! Now it all comes together in a slow, careful climax that waits till halfway through the last three lines to sink in properly. One thing - I'd change 'utter' to 'pure' which makes it flow better and...I don't know, it fits better, in my mind. I might also swap round 'possible' and 'only', though that's a really minor thing and doesn't make a great deal of difference.

The last line is brilliant; it ties the whole thing together. The important point is that it's not just Wilson that's a buried truth - it's his addiction to vicodin and puzzles, and all the things he will never talk about. I don't know if you might want to say 'He tries to deny...' instead, but it's lovely the way it is.

Wow. Megacomment. I hope you take all that as a compliment; that's certainly how I intended it, because I adore this, maybe even more than the first one because it flows so well and all the ideas are perfectly form and the way you play with words and sentence structure and the 'threes' (heat, need, Wilson; Chase, Stacy, Wilson) and it's oh so accomplished and wonderful. It reads like you really found your groove in this one. Most things are too flawed for you to be able to pick through and find the flaws - with this there are so few that it's hardly a task, and the rest is perfect.

Permission to worship at your altar and hope for the next one?

[bironic.livejournal.com]

My goodness -- thank you. Really, thank you. I do take it as a compliment not only that you love it so much but also that you would take the time to write such a detailed comment with suggestions for improvement. I really appreciate it. I also agree with most of your ideas. Changing "in which" to "where" will shorten the line to match the others in the stanza, for instance, and if I replace "utter" with "pure" it will begin the alliteration earlier. I'm also happy that you've picked up on so much, including the fact that, yes, House is in desperate denial about far more than Wilson.

I do have a couple of questions for you, if you don't mind. Your comment about "his" Vicodin in the third stanza -- do you mean that "his" suggests a lack of control or the removal of "his" will suggest it? And about "And suffering more pain than can be attributed to his leg" -- I did hesitate over such formal phrasing, but I do want to end on "leg," so what would you think of "...than he can blame on his leg"?

It's funny, actually, what you've said about how this one seems as if it were easy to write while the last two appear to have taken more effort, because this one and "Breaking the Cycle" were both terribly tricky, while "A Typical Day" flowed fairly easily. Of course, the real accomplishment is to write a poem that reads like a breeze no matter how difficult it was to craft, so to hear that that was the case for you for this one is very satisfying (and also pleasantly surprising, since I had very little confidence in it when I posted it).

A long reply to your delightfully detailed feedback. I'm afraid I can't sanction you worshipping at my altar because then I'd be calling myself a god, but I do most eagerly grant you permission to come by and comment whenever you like.

P.S. You may have seen me tell stephantom above, but the last poem currently in progress is an HP one rather than House. Judging by your icon, though, I don't think this will be a problem for you. :)

[celebriangel.livejournal.com]

I was going for the removal of 'his' - if the Vicodin is 'his' then Wilson's just being annoying, keeping him from getting what's rightfully his. Although this is the way House seems to feel, the truth about addiction is that you do not own the drug; the drug owns you, and I think just by removing this little word you could suggest some of this. House might think of the Vicodin as being rightfully his but deep down he must know that he is in its control.

My promblem with 'that can be attributed to his leg' was more that there are too many syllables and it interrupts the flow a little. I like the idea of ending on 'leg', and your solution is perfect.

It's interesting you should say that this poem was difficult. What I love about it is the way you pack so many ideas and emotions into a short space, but sa what you want to say clearly and neatly with a light, flowing touch. It's not just about House being in denial about loving Wilson - there's so much morethat you suggest and hint at and reading the poem is very satisfying because I could spend hours analysing it. But Wilson is in every verse and so it seems like although it's not all about Wilson, these things are related to him in someway - the vicodin and his leg and Wilson are all tied up in his thoughts and I love that.

Ack. You could have another megamegapost about all the things that you've implied and why it's just so canon and so fantastic. I honestly think this is the best poem you've written, even though I love the first. So have confidence!

FInally, do you mind if I friend your journal so I can find your next poepms/fics/etc? You seem like an interesting person to talk to and I do love me a good debate.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

"Refusing him Vicodin" didn't have enough syllables for my satisfaction, so I've made it "refusing to give him Vicodin." It sounds better in my head and it allows for both interpretations of House's relationship with the drugs.

reading the poem is very satisfying because I could spend hours analysing it.

Now that is a wonderful thing to hear. Yay. (She said, intelligently.)

By all means, friend away. Going by what you've said here, I think it would be lovely to have you on board to take a look at stories before they get posted elsewhere and to chat with on other topics. If you poke around my journal, you'll see the sort of stuff I usually post about. I should warn you, though, that in January I'm going to be posting much more than usual -- once a day at least -- for a month-long communal memory project (just described in a post this morning). So I'd understand if you wanted to hold off until February. Either way, welcome!

[alexao.livejournal.com]

Ooh, a House sestina! This is beautifully written. Nice work.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Three more (http://bironic.livejournal.com/tag/sestina%21fic) where that came from. :) Thanks very much.

[jadesfire.livejournal.com]

coming to this late, still trying to resume normal service after the holidays.

This one felt quite different to the others, as it's not 'telling a story' exactly. It's got the slightly detached sense that you get in dreams and the melancholy mood pulls it along. It's a wonderful description of moments, like the bittersweet imagining that his leg is whole or the biting pain of Wilson laughing at him. I really liked the surrealness of the 'extra Vicodin' stanza and the kick at the end.

I thought And suffering more pain than he can blame on his leg. was a great way of putting it and, although I think the second sestina is still my favourite for the sheer bounciness, this sits so well with the others, delving more in House's character. Great work!

[bironic.livejournal.com]

Hey, welcome back! And thanks for the assessment; I really wasn't sure about this one when I posted it, and I value your opinion, so it's greatly appreciated that you've taken the time to come back to this and let me know what you think. (Thought? Dang tenses.)

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

The visions slip away before the pieces of the puzzle
Fit together—something about heat, and need, and Wilson,
And a sense of pure contentment possible only in dreams.

Oh, man. Wow. Yes.

And of course, the end-words in a Greg House sestina would be precisely these six -- leg and Vicodin and puzzle and Wilson and truth and dreams.

[bironic.livejournal.com]

It was really satisfying to write that line and imagine House being happy for a change, no strings, no rancor. How wonderful would it be to see him enjoy that kind of peace?

of course, the end-words in a Greg House sestina would be precisely these six

"Dreams" was "piano" at first, you may have seen mentioned up above somewhere, but the poem got stuck for a while at that. I started the other one afterwards (pills/Stacy/nerve/f*ck/laugh/dead) and it came much more easily -- maybe because here, the words all show up on the series so often it was harder to know where to focus.

Thanks for the comment. I'm so glad to see you're enjoying these!